How am I Doing?

That sure is a loaded question. First of all, I need to tell all of you that care about me that I am fine. I have some really nervous discussions with friends that after reading my blog from a few weeks ago, were wondering if I was going to hurt myself. Believe me, I am OK. The only hurting of myself that I am doing is by my eating. Life is diffcult, but nothing is meant to be easy. The burden is diffcult, but the yoke is light...remember that? But, I do want to say thank you to all of you who were reading, and were concerned. And for those who contacted me to check in, thank you for that too. I do appreciate knowing that I am loved.

Now back to the question. I am doing better. Out of the funk that I am in. Feeling more confident...better than I was weeks ago. I am far from where I want to be, but I found a map, and I am trying to read it to get back where I need to be. So, much like what the Star Trek trailer said, I am "Under Construction". My life, my body everything is under construction.

Spiritual, I am doing better too. Conversations with God are becoming more frequent. Conversations about God are coming back to be a part of everyday life. It is nice to say that. God is not one to ever leave you...and trust me I tried. I am doing my best now to get back with feeling like I am keeping up with the bargain with out rlationship together.

Now back to the weight. I am a part of this small group called "Lose it For Life". It is done throun New Life Ministries which does the "Every Man's Battle" series. It is about tackling your weight issues with a spiritual apporach. Something I really never did before. I am still learning about the series, but expect to hear more from me about this.

One of the things I am going to do starting next week, is to write about my goals for the week. I have done a rough job so far of following through with some of my goals. So I figure if I write about them, it will make them more concrete to me. Make sense?

Here are some of the things, I have learned so far:

• The problem is physical, the cause is menatl, the solution is spiritual.
• There is a stubborn resistance that is causing me to stay overweight. I need to figure out what it is.
• By staying connect with people in a deep, rich way, it will help me to get better faster. This part is so true, because I notice when I am at my lowest, and not working on this, is when I make myself the most isolated.
• That hunger is great diversion from actually being in the moment.
• You cannot heal, until you let someone see the wound, and help you out. By blogging, I will be showing all of you my wounds.
• The goal is not to lose weight, but to keep the weight off.
• There is healing in openness.
• Part of healing is the dying of oneself.
• The way that we hurt ourselves is by deciding that we are the only ones in the world making mistakes, when that is simply not the case.
• Do not multi-task. Do not eat, and do something else. It will cause you to not enjoy the meal process, and make you eat faster, or eat in an unhealthy way.
• The three C's of losing weight: connection, community, and councel.

So that is where I am at right now. I am trying to place all of the things I have learned so far in my life. Not much progress yet, but I feel it is coming.

This is where I am at. Your comments are so appreciated. It is nice to see my old friends tell me what is going on with them an cheering me on. Thanks for commenting! Please keep them coming.

PS...second place in trivia this week. Next week, we go for first!

Sitting Around watching TV waiting for Clothes to Dry

I am turning the channels on my TV, and what do I see. A show called "The Moment of Truth". This show is like a car accident on the side of the road. The premise of the show is that a person is strapped in to a lie detector, and by telling the truth to really embarassing questions, they win money. And when I say embarassing question...I mean they are brutal. One of the questions was, "Have you ever thought that anohter woman was prettier than your wife?" And the guys wife was right there watching.

I mean what the heck. Is there where we are at in life? Look honesty is fine...I am all for it. But this is craziness. I am so speechless as to what to say about this show. I will say, that it is terrible, and I cannot believe I watched it as long as I did. I so have to wash my brain out with soap!

Now if the Writer's Strike was not going on, we would still have these awful shows where we try to embarrass our fellow man. Why do we have shows that try to bring us down, and not build us up? We need shows that will support us as the human race, and teach us to accept one another better. And not try to prophet on another person's embarrassment. I think i should have just turned off the TV, and read a book.

Tomorrow, I will post how I am doing, and what is going on with me...

Connection, Trivia, and iPod!

Yep, the title says it all. That pretty much sums up my week. So how do the three items go together? Well, I guess you will have to read about it.

Connection, or staying connected. It is funny, but I realized when I am at my lowest, about how I feel about myself, or in my head the most, it is because I am a bit of a loner. I stay away from people, I stay away from friends. I lose that connection. I want to push away so that I can feel unloved, and continue to dump on myself. It is amazing...I purposely torture myself, so that I can feel unloved. Devil is fun that way. How he plants little thoughts in our heads, and we just run with them.

I need that connection. I crave it. I am a social person. I am at my happiest when I am with people. Saturday and tonight (Thursday) proved that to me. On Saturday, it was one of the busiest days, that I have had in a long while. I first did the small group I was telling you about. It was amazing. I met some great people, who seemed to generally care about me. It was a marvelous small group, and one I hope to share more. Later, I had my fantasy football end of the season wrap up. Just ahnging out with the guys talking about football. It was amazing. So much fun, and so much sports. Then it was off to my old church St. George's where I was my friend Patricia's wing man for a party for a trip to Cuba. And trust me when I say, no one parties like St. George's does. Good spirits, great food, and good music where found everywhere. It was a blast. I also had a change to reconnect with some old friends...that was nice. Then after the party, the night was not over...it was on to my friend Kel and Sarah's to watch my beloved Jaguars fight the good fight, but lose to the Patriots...the Jags did do well. But relaxing, and laughing was a nice way to end that busy day. I went home satisfied. Feeling very connected.

That connection, has lasted almost the whole week. Tonight, i received a call from my friends Jonathan and Edith inviting me up to a sports bar to play trivia. I accepted, and had a blast. A lot of fun, and laughs! We even tied for first...although we ended up in third based off a botched tie breaker. But it was what the doctor ordered. I am continuing to feel that connection to people. That connection is what is going to help me get back to places I need to be with my weight, and with my relationships. Especially with God!

Now, you have heard the first two...now on to the final one, the iPod. As all of you know, i love my iPod. But, I had issues with my lovely iPod over the course of the past week. That is why I have not blogged. I have been fighting with the iPod so much, I did not want to type. Well tonight, I completed the iPod mission. I have now successfully moved all my songs, to my new computer! Yes! It only took a week, but it is done. So now, no more excuses not to blog.

So this is where I am at now. I will be back soon, to continue to tell you the progress of my life.

Hope each of you that read this, will stop in on my life sometime and say Hi. I will be happy you did.

Until then, I am Your Eternal Bud!

COLD Kicking It on a Monday

It is about to be cold again. I just went to do laundry, and had to go outside to do it, and man did the chill get to me.

Funny part, is most of the country would LOVE to have the weather we are having right now. So for those of you who are laughing at us, I will still take this weather, over the 40 million inches of snow you guys up north have.

Well, I am just reporting in. Because of an iTunes set up tonight on my computer, I am not going to have time to do a proper post.

I will be back tomorrow to talk to you about the small group, and other thoughts that I have.

Till tomorrow!

Before I go to Bed...

About to go to sleep for the night. Going to my first small group tomorrow for Lose it For Life...

Not sure what to expect. I hope it is good. I am kind of in my head right now. We will see tomorrow morning.

New Attitude

It is funny...I was planning to write another sad written blog...I mean, I was in the right attitude to be sad. Things, still have not changed, still overweight...still not happy...still not sure what to do with my life. But it is amazing what happens. It is amazing when things change.

Today things changed with a phone call. My friend James called. After years of trying to get pregnant, and then over a year in the adoption process, they got a call. A baby. A baby boy. And the baby is theirs. In a moment call, they have a baby. After so many years, and so much heartache, they have the baby that they want.

How amazing is that? A moment within a call, and their lives will change.

For me, the moment that James called me to tell me the great news, it changed the attitude in me. I want to fight. I want to fight for me. I need to fight for me.

I am not sure yet how I am going to fight...but I need to prep for this fight. I need to find my relationship with Christ again. That is my first goal. My next goal is to start doing things to take care of myself. As I get to know more, I will talk about it.

So a moment changes two things. Congratulations James and Jenni and Baby Boy Neal!

I'm Mad as Hell and Will I Take it Anymore?

I am sick and tired.

I weigh too much. I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. My friends are starting to feel like they have to start distancing themselves from me, because I will die soon.

When I wake up I am tired. My work is starting to be effected by the way I weigh. My clothes are not fitting like they are suppose to. I hate going out with friends now...I use to love doing that all the time.

I am being self destructive. I am killing myself. I have given up. In 2002, I sent an email out to everyone saying that enough is enough. I was going to start taking care of myself. Well, that was 5 years ago, and all I am is heavier. I have tried all sorts of diets. The only things I have not done is surgery, and the spiritual course. I will be trying to lose weight through a church program soon. Will, I take the program seriously, or will I fail at that too?

I can be the only one that enact change in my life. I can be the only one to take the first step with exercising...with eating right. I keep saying later...but later has never come.

You know what has suffered in all this. My relationship with Christ. I have not been in communication with Him in forever. I am missing that...I feel like I am so distance from Him. My heart is yearning to be back with Him...but I keep putting everything else in the way.

I feel like the devil has won. My weight has slowly over come me. Can I honestly say to all of you in blog land that I am done. I am going to fight back. I don't know. I want to fight back. But I am so tired. Do I want to die alone, with out friends, with out Christ? My heart is hurting. I am slowly killing myself with every bite I take. I don't stop. I do not know how to stop.

Oh God, how do I stop??

How do I love me again?