Hi My Name is Chris and I Weighed 433 Pounds

Yep, that is right. I have let myself go so much, that I now weigh the most that I have ever weighed in my life. Am, I scared...you better believe it. Am I disappointed in myself? Yeah, I am. Was I depressed beyond all get out last week? Very much so. But, I want to do something about it now. I cannot live like this one minute longer.

First thing I need to do is triage. I started Weight Watchers last Saturday. All of last week, I did not have one caloric beverage. I stuck to my WW food plan. I ate healthy food. I took care of myself, except exercising. Yesterday, I weighed in, and I weighed in at 426 pounds...7.4 pound loss. I am pumped up! I need to keep on this role. I even tried salmon last night (did not like it...but it was cooked great).

I am going to keep fighting this...this is my seventh go around with Weight Watchers...my umpteeth time at trying to take care of myself. Is this time going to be different? I am not sure...only time will tell. The only thing I can is keep fighting. I can't surrender. I have been doing it too long.


To be continued...

Sitting at Home with Oscar

I am sitting watching the lovely Kristen Chenowith sing right now. Can you believe a woman that is 4 foot 10 inches tall can sing like no ones business? She has an amazing voice. I am watching the Oscars people. I know that it is a love fest for the Hollywood elite, but you know something, I like watching this show. It is just fun to me.

Now to get down to business. The reason I am writing is to talk about a thing that happen to me today. I went with my family to go see "Spamalot" today. For those of you, who do not know what that is, it is a musical based upon the movie, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail". It is a fantastic musical. I laughed so hard through out. It is amazing. Sadly, this is not what I want to talk about.

When we got to the theater, my worst nightmare came true. The seats for the theater are small for even normal people. How do I know this? Because the people I was with told me they were. The seats are very low to the ground, and very thin. So getting in the seat was not comfortable for me. My body had to squeeze in to this seat, and sadly it pured out the seats next to me. I was sitting with my friend, and soon to cousin in law Jeremy, and decided to sit in a seat away from him. First it is a guy code thing, and second I figured it would be more comfortable to sit a seat away from him until the person sitting there came. Well people came, but it turns out that we did have a extra seat. But the older couple that sat next to me, I could tell was uncomfortable to sit next to a guy that clearly was taking up part of their chair too. The gentlemen did not complain to me, but he did go up and talk to an usher for a moment. I was sure that he was talking to the usher about me. And you know something I can understand that. Well, once the show started, the gentlemen and his wife switched seats to a pair of seats across the isle from where we were sitting. They sat there the whole show, and no one said anything. Everything is all good right? Not so much.

This obviously got in my head. Gosh, the fact that I was uncomfortable in that seat the whole time kind of kept myself in my head. Now, please know, I had a wonderful day today. The show was amazing, and I had so much fun. But this is the thing that kind of sticks with you. So the question is, what am I going to do about this? Well, the first thing is as much as I like shows, I am not going to go anymore until I get my weight under control. I am not going to inconvenience another person like that again. I fel so bad for that guy. He paid good money for that ticket,and I may have been the cause of him not enjoying himself.

It is time to work harder at losing this weight. I do not want to be a pest to anyone anymore. I especially do not want to be a pest to myself anymore. It is time to love me. I am going to work on this harder. That is a promise I have to all of you in cyber land.

Until next time.

My Heart Is Broken...

Random Thoughts and Other Stuff

I had every intention to come out here in Blog Land and tell you my current updates on what I have learned over the past couple of days. But, I am currently house sitting for a dear friend, and I completely forgot all my paperwork. So deal pals of mine, I will have to get back with you on my latest update. So instead tonights blog, you will get some of my random thoughts.

• The amazing TV show LOST is back starting tomorrow. In this cultrual waste land that is know as the writer's strike, it will be nice to have a first rate TV show back.
• And speaking of the strike. I am very much tired of the strike right now. I know that the writers are doing what they feel is right and fair to get what they feel they deserve, but why does the fan always have to suffer? We as fans deserve better. we help pay their bills. For once I wish that large organizations would take in to the thought the people that actually give them the money to do what they love. It would be interesting to see what happens.
• John McCain won the republican primary here yesterday. I do not nomally do political stuff on here because that can do nothing but get people mad at you, but I was really impressed with his very gracious acceptance speech. He was kind, and considerate, and had a really genuine speech.
• In a recent issue of Amazing Spider-Man, they basically just hit the reset button, and erased about 20 years of stories. This thing really stinks...and is making me decide if I am going to actually continue to read what was my favorite comic of all time.
• Casting Crown's newest CD, "The Altar and the Door" is an amazing album. "What this World Needs", and "East to West" are amazing songs. You really need to take a listen to this album when you a chance.
• Weight wise...today was a good day. I ate well, felt pretty good, and came to my home happy. It is a nice feeling.
• Last week in trivia, team 3's a Crowd got second place. So in 2 weeks, we have got a third place, and a 2nd place. We are shooting for gold this week!
• SuperBowl is this Sunday. Looking forward to the game, and hopefully the commercials are good too. I will be rooting for the Giants, because Tom Coughlin is coaching, and he use to coach the Jags. Tom also does a lot of charity work around Jacksonville. This is a good guy, and I am really happy that he is getting this shot. However, I think the Patriots will win this thing big 45-24.

Ok, that is it for now. I will be writing again very soon. Until then, I wanted to take the time to say thank you to all of you who are writing comments. I do appreciate each one of you who support me to say that you are reading this with your precious time that you have. I hope you enjoy this little bit of time inside my head.

Until next time...I am your eternal bud!

How am I Doing?

That sure is a loaded question. First of all, I need to tell all of you that care about me that I am fine. I have some really nervous discussions with friends that after reading my blog from a few weeks ago, were wondering if I was going to hurt myself. Believe me, I am OK. The only hurting of myself that I am doing is by my eating. Life is diffcult, but nothing is meant to be easy. The burden is diffcult, but the yoke is light...remember that? But, I do want to say thank you to all of you who were reading, and were concerned. And for those who contacted me to check in, thank you for that too. I do appreciate knowing that I am loved.

Now back to the question. I am doing better. Out of the funk that I am in. Feeling more confident...better than I was weeks ago. I am far from where I want to be, but I found a map, and I am trying to read it to get back where I need to be. So, much like what the Star Trek trailer said, I am "Under Construction". My life, my body everything is under construction.

Spiritual, I am doing better too. Conversations with God are becoming more frequent. Conversations about God are coming back to be a part of everyday life. It is nice to say that. God is not one to ever leave you...and trust me I tried. I am doing my best now to get back with feeling like I am keeping up with the bargain with out rlationship together.

Now back to the weight. I am a part of this small group called "Lose it For Life". It is done throun New Life Ministries which does the "Every Man's Battle" series. It is about tackling your weight issues with a spiritual apporach. Something I really never did before. I am still learning about the series, but expect to hear more from me about this.

One of the things I am going to do starting next week, is to write about my goals for the week. I have done a rough job so far of following through with some of my goals. So I figure if I write about them, it will make them more concrete to me. Make sense?

Here are some of the things, I have learned so far:

• The problem is physical, the cause is menatl, the solution is spiritual.
• There is a stubborn resistance that is causing me to stay overweight. I need to figure out what it is.
• By staying connect with people in a deep, rich way, it will help me to get better faster. This part is so true, because I notice when I am at my lowest, and not working on this, is when I make myself the most isolated.
• That hunger is great diversion from actually being in the moment.
• You cannot heal, until you let someone see the wound, and help you out. By blogging, I will be showing all of you my wounds.
• The goal is not to lose weight, but to keep the weight off.
• There is healing in openness.
• Part of healing is the dying of oneself.
• The way that we hurt ourselves is by deciding that we are the only ones in the world making mistakes, when that is simply not the case.
• Do not multi-task. Do not eat, and do something else. It will cause you to not enjoy the meal process, and make you eat faster, or eat in an unhealthy way.
• The three C's of losing weight: connection, community, and councel.

So that is where I am at right now. I am trying to place all of the things I have learned so far in my life. Not much progress yet, but I feel it is coming.

This is where I am at. Your comments are so appreciated. It is nice to see my old friends tell me what is going on with them an cheering me on. Thanks for commenting! Please keep them coming.

PS...second place in trivia this week. Next week, we go for first!

Sitting Around watching TV waiting for Clothes to Dry

I am turning the channels on my TV, and what do I see. A show called "The Moment of Truth". This show is like a car accident on the side of the road. The premise of the show is that a person is strapped in to a lie detector, and by telling the truth to really embarassing questions, they win money. And when I say embarassing question...I mean they are brutal. One of the questions was, "Have you ever thought that anohter woman was prettier than your wife?" And the guys wife was right there watching.

I mean what the heck. Is there where we are at in life? Look honesty is fine...I am all for it. But this is craziness. I am so speechless as to what to say about this show. I will say, that it is terrible, and I cannot believe I watched it as long as I did. I so have to wash my brain out with soap!

Now if the Writer's Strike was not going on, we would still have these awful shows where we try to embarrass our fellow man. Why do we have shows that try to bring us down, and not build us up? We need shows that will support us as the human race, and teach us to accept one another better. And not try to prophet on another person's embarrassment. I think i should have just turned off the TV, and read a book.

Tomorrow, I will post how I am doing, and what is going on with me...

Connection, Trivia, and iPod!

Yep, the title says it all. That pretty much sums up my week. So how do the three items go together? Well, I guess you will have to read about it.

Connection, or staying connected. It is funny, but I realized when I am at my lowest, about how I feel about myself, or in my head the most, it is because I am a bit of a loner. I stay away from people, I stay away from friends. I lose that connection. I want to push away so that I can feel unloved, and continue to dump on myself. It is amazing...I purposely torture myself, so that I can feel unloved. Devil is fun that way. How he plants little thoughts in our heads, and we just run with them.

I need that connection. I crave it. I am a social person. I am at my happiest when I am with people. Saturday and tonight (Thursday) proved that to me. On Saturday, it was one of the busiest days, that I have had in a long while. I first did the small group I was telling you about. It was amazing. I met some great people, who seemed to generally care about me. It was a marvelous small group, and one I hope to share more. Later, I had my fantasy football end of the season wrap up. Just ahnging out with the guys talking about football. It was amazing. So much fun, and so much sports. Then it was off to my old church St. George's where I was my friend Patricia's wing man for a party for a trip to Cuba. And trust me when I say, no one parties like St. George's does. Good spirits, great food, and good music where found everywhere. It was a blast. I also had a change to reconnect with some old friends...that was nice. Then after the party, the night was not over...it was on to my friend Kel and Sarah's to watch my beloved Jaguars fight the good fight, but lose to the Patriots...the Jags did do well. But relaxing, and laughing was a nice way to end that busy day. I went home satisfied. Feeling very connected.

That connection, has lasted almost the whole week. Tonight, i received a call from my friends Jonathan and Edith inviting me up to a sports bar to play trivia. I accepted, and had a blast. A lot of fun, and laughs! We even tied for first...although we ended up in third based off a botched tie breaker. But it was what the doctor ordered. I am continuing to feel that connection to people. That connection is what is going to help me get back to places I need to be with my weight, and with my relationships. Especially with God!

Now, you have heard the first two...now on to the final one, the iPod. As all of you know, i love my iPod. But, I had issues with my lovely iPod over the course of the past week. That is why I have not blogged. I have been fighting with the iPod so much, I did not want to type. Well tonight, I completed the iPod mission. I have now successfully moved all my songs, to my new computer! Yes! It only took a week, but it is done. So now, no more excuses not to blog.

So this is where I am at now. I will be back soon, to continue to tell you the progress of my life.

Hope each of you that read this, will stop in on my life sometime and say Hi. I will be happy you did.

Until then, I am Your Eternal Bud!