Under Construction

"Loser" by 3 Doors Down
"Breathe in right away.
Nothing seems to fill this place.
I need this everytime
So take your lies, get off my case.
Someday I will find
A love that flows through me like this
This will fall away, this will fall away.

You're getting closer
To pushing me off of life's little edge
'Cause I'm a loser
And sooner or later you know I'll be dead
You're getting closer
You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall
'Cause I'm a loser, I'm a loser, yeah.

This is getting old.
I can't break these chains that I hold
My body's growing cold
There's nothing left of this mind or my soul.
Addiction needs a pacifier, the buzz of this poison is taking me higher.
This will fall away, this will fall away.

You're getting closer
To pushing me off of life's little edge.
'Cause I'm a loser
And sooner or later you know I'll be dead.
You're getting closer
You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall
'Cause I'm a loser
I'm a loser!

You're getting closer
To pushing me off of life's little edge.
'Cause I'm a loser
And sooner or later you know I'll be dead.
You're getting closer
You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall.
'Cause I'm a loser

You're getting closer
To pushing me off of life's little edge
'Cause I'm a loser
And sooner or later you know I'll be dead.
You're getting closer
You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall.
'Cause I'm a loser."

I just passed my 40 pound mark in losing weight. I am 1.2 pounds away from hitting my 10 percent of my original weight goal. I am struggling to stay motivated.

Around this point every time I have tried to lose weight, it is around this time that I walk away. I am not sure why that is. You would think that I would be getting pumped up about this. You would think I would be happy with the results. And for the most part I am. But their is an anxious streak that keeps coming up in me. And I am now wondering if I can do this. Can I see this to the finish? At this time, I am not sure.

I am getting tired of not seeing this through. I am tired of the fact that I am 34 years old, and I still struggle with my weight. I am tired of not having all the things that taking care of myself will hold. It is I that is denying myself of being married, of having children, of being loved. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I weighed in the 200-250 area (which is still considered heavy) that I can have each of those things. Why do I know this? Because I have everyone and their brother tell me that I am a good guy. That I am easy to talk to...that I am a good friend. Heck, I even know how to show with a member of the opposite sex. The only reason I am alone right now, is due to my weight. And yet, I am here struggling to stay motivated to lose weight. What is wrong with me??

I need to find the warrior spirit...I need to fight through this. But I am tired...I am tired.

To be continued...

Your Eternal Bud.