Something interesting happened this weekend. I had a friend of mine called me and say to me they now were no longer alone in this world. Also something else happened this weekend. Another friend (not the same one) called me from a wedding. So one starts a budding romance, and another starts their life with the one they have now committed their lives to. So love marches on…I should be happy, and I am, but my heart is sad.
Why am I sad? That is a great question, and one that is going through my head right at this moment. I am sad in the most completely selfish way…I do not have it. I am like a 5 year old that has seen a sibling get a really great toy, and has looked at the socks that are in my bag. The socks are needed in my life, and I will later be glad that I have them, but I want the toy! What does that mean? I know that God has a plan, and that there is a reason for me being single right now…but I want that relationship!
I am tired of being a third, fifth, or seventh wheel. It is always the check syndrome at dinner. This is how meals out usually are:
Server: “So will this be together or separate?”
Couple#1: “We are on one check.”
Couple#2: “We’re together.”
Couple#3: “Just us two.”
Server: “And I guess it is just you then?”
Chris: (head down) “Yeah, just me.”
And the thing is, I am so out numbered now. About 10 years ago, there were girlfriends and boyfriends, but there were guy night outs, and group hang outs were couples were not “together”. About five years ago, there were a few married couples, but my single friends still out numbered my non-married friends. Now, it is married as far as the eyes can see.
Now, please do not get the idea that I am not happy for all of you. I truly am. I love my married friends…you help feed me, and occasionally allow your spouses out to play. It is not at all that I am not happy for you. It is the simple fact that I want to join the party. I want to be happy!
But then the question that needs to be asked, and why do I need someone to be happy? Why does that extra person automatically mean happiness. Does 1 + 1 = happiness?
I cannot answer that question right now…I am confused. My job is a good one, my friends are great, I have my Lord and Savior who takes care of me. But to me it is still not enough! I want to not be alone anymore. I am tired of being alone. It stinks to be alone. It stinks to come to my apartment week in and week out, and have it quiet. Sometimes I truly hear crickets in my apartment, it is that quiet. I want to be held on a bad day. I want someone to tell me it will be alright. I want someone to protect and to love. I have a lot of love to give…and still no one to give it to.
I think the second reason I want to be with someone (because the first reason is because I love them with all my heart-DUH! ) is simply a validation that I am OK as a man. I want someone to see though the weight…I want someone to see me as a man who has flaws, but has a lot of faith, compassion, and love to give. I really thought that would have happened by now. But it has not, and here I sit alone…again…asking God why.
I know brothers and sisters what some of you might be saying. God’s timing. Trust in God. God will take care of you. And trust me…I know this! I do know this. I want to know this. I hope to know this. UGH! Why can’t I trust…why does God not trust me with someone’s heart…does He think I will damage it? Does He think I don’t deserve it? Don’t I deserve her? Don’t I? Just because my Dad could not take care of three other women’s hearts does not mean I can’t. I can do this! I can! But He does not believe it. Why does God not believe in me?
I also wonder if Jesus felt this way…being alone. Did He question His Father…asking why can I not do this journey with someone by my side? Did He question the journey? Did He want something more? I doubt it…I really doubt it. He knew…He knew that He can do it. He knew that the only one that He needed was the Father.
So here I sit. I sit here thinking…sit here wondering. Sit here missing the person, that I am to be with. But I know God wants something from me. God want me to trust in Him completely…but I want something from Him too…I want her.
2 comments:
AS one of my friends (who has only been married 18 mths and she is 35) says: There is no formula. God is still God.
i'm not quite sure how to begin this comment. i found your blog through my friend karisse. i was surfing her blog and blogs she reads and i just came across it. anyway, as i was reading this post i felt like someone was listening in on my thoughts. i SO understand what you're writing about here. i know i am a complete stranger but i just wanted to say, "thanks for sharing." it's nice to know that other people out there get it.
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