A Baby That Was Born to Die

I Celebrate the Day- Relient K

"And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've
touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New
Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life"

I heard this song the other day and it hit me over the head. We know so much about the beginning and the end of Jesus' life. In the Gospels it talks about the very first part of when Jesus is born, and even a little in to His childhood...and of course they talk about what made the Son of God SO extraordinary, the way He died. Jesus, the son of a carpenter was also born the Son of God...and God had a specific purpose in Jesus' life...to be strong enough to die for us.

I never really thought about it that way. Jesus was born, so that he could die...for all of us. This little baby was born, so that He could die for all the dumb things that I do in my life. For all the things that I concentrate on more than Him...and yet He was born, so that He could die for me. I do not deserve it...but He still did it. He still suffered, and He still bled, and He still died for me. He died for a fool...just so that I can love Him. He wanted a fool's love...mine!

Now, I know that I am being redundant...but it stands to be repeated over and over again. It stands to be said from the highest roof tops, and the darkest streets. It stands to said to the sad person, that is wondering what they are going to do with their lives. It stands to be said to the person whose life is going just great. It deserves to be said to man, woman, girls, and boys. It stands to be said to everyone on this silly planet that we live on. Jesus was born 2000 years ago, so that He could die for us.

I am going to think about this, when I am in traffic for the next few days. When I go to pick up the last of what will be trivial gifts for people that will forget about them a few months later...I will think about this when i talk to my co-workers over the course of the next few days. And I will think of this, when I go to my dear friend's church on Christmas Eve, and hear him talk about this sweet little boy who was born a common little baby, and was raised, and died as the greatest man to walk on the planet.

Jesus was born so that He could die for me. Everything else is meaningless.

The Lord has risen, the Lord has risen indeed. Hallelujah. But He was also born. And it is time to celebrate that birth. Happy Birthday Jesus. I wish I got you a gift as great as the one you gave me.

Your Eternal Bud.

The Fear of a 2 and a 3 Year Old

I love my nephews...I really do. They are two of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. Their laugh completely makes my day. When they sleep, the whole world can stop for all I care. When I see them play, it just makes me laugh. I am completely in awe of them.

Tomorrow is my cousin's bridal shower, and my Mom and sister are going. I was asked to take care of my nephews. I have not spent any kind of time with them in a while, so I said yes. The thing is, I have never actually taken care of them by myself. I have always had another person with me every time I spent time with them. I must say that I am very nervous about this.

I do not want to screw this up. I do not want to see them have once ounce of pain or hurt. I so do not want to cause that pain or hurt. Mind you, I am only taking care of them for like 4 hours...but I am still anxious about it.

I have been told that I do really good with them...I hope that is true. I guess I will find out tomorrow. More news to follow my friends.

Until then, I am Your Eternal Bud.

Happy Veteran's Day

"Citizen Soldier" by 3 Doors Down

"Beyond the boundaries of your city's lights,
Stand the heroes waiting for your cries.
So many times you did not bring this on yourself,
When that moment finally comes,
I'll be there to help.

On that day when you need your brothers and sisters to care,
I'll be right here.
Citizen soldiers holding the light for the ones that we

guide from the dark of despair.
Standing on guard for the ones that we sheltered,
We'll always be ready because we will always be there.

When there are people crying in the streets,
When they're starving for a meal to eat,
When they simply need a place to make their beds,
Right here underneath my wing,
You can rest your head.

On that day when you need your brothers and sisters to care,
I'll be right here!
Citizen soldiers holding the light for the ones that we guide from the dark of despair.
Standing on guard for the ones that we sheltered,
We'll always be ready because we will always be there...

There... there... there...

Hope and pray that you'll never need me,
But rest assured I will not let you down.
I'll walk beside you but you may not see me,
The strongest among you may not wear a crown.

On that day when you need your brothers and sisters to care,
I'll be right here!
On that day when you don't have the strength for the burden you bear,
I'll be right here!
Citizen soldiers holding the light for the ones that we guide from the dark of despair.
(Citizen soldiers)
Standing on guard for the ones that we sheltered,
We'll always be ready because we will always be there."

God bless everyone who puts themselves in harms way so that we can have our freedoms, and be stupid when we want to be.

Your Eternal Bud

Bonus Blog: Election Burnout

Eight years ago, I was in my first grown up apartment with two of my favorite people in the world...James and Eric. We were watching the 2008 election coverage of George W Bush and Al Gore. The three of us stayed up until I think four in the morning waiting and watching as the election unfolded in front of us. It had more drama and suspense than any drama on TV or movie we could have watched. Did W win Florida? What is Gore going to do? CBS called the election too soon. We hooted and hollared and booed at every single moment. And then after a LONG night, it was over with.

Now it is eight years later...and both my roommates are now Pastors...they are both married, and each have a child Bryce and Logan. And here is another election. And the three of us are in three different places in our lives. It is kind of cool and sad at the same time. I miss rooming with those guys. It was one of the best years of my life. But I will have those memories. A lot of great memories...and especially of that one election night.

Sadly, the only memories I will have of this election is a lot of bitter feelings, and divided friends. Oh, to remember eight years ago.

Until tomorrow....

Your Eternal Bud.

The Change Decision Part 1 of 3

"The Change" by Steven Curtis Chapman
"Well I got myself a t shirt that says what I believe
I got letters on my bracelet to serve as my id
I got the necklace and the key chain
And almost everything a good christian needs yeah
I got the little Bible magnets on my refrigerator door
And a welcome mat to bless you before you walk across my floor
I got a jesus bumper sticker
And the outline of a fish stuck on my car
And even though this stuffs all well and good yeah
I cannot help but ask myself

What about the change
What about the difference
What about the grace
What about forgiveness
What about a life thats showing
Im undergoing the change yeah
Im undergoing the change

Well Ive got this way of thinking that comes so naturally
Where I believe the whole world is revolving around me
And I got this way of living that I have to die to every single day
cause if gods spirit lives inside of me yeah
Im gonna live life differently

Im gonna have the change
Im gonna have the difference
Im gonna have the grace
Im gonna have forgiveness
Im gonna live a life thats showing
Im undergoing the change"

Over the course of the next three blog sessions, I am going to talk about the three changes that I am going to make mind, body, and soul. This first session, I am going to talk about body...especially since that is what a majority of the blog has been about.

My name is Chris and I am a compulsive overeater. That is how I would start off my part in talking anytime I would speak up in OA. Well, I am going to use this platform right now to discuss my eating plans. My primary "drug" of choice comes in a paper bag, and can come at any corner of any city in the US. My drug is fried in peanut oil, or vegatable oil...or just oil. It can be a potato, or chicken, or even something healthy like corn. My drug is fried food.

Fried foods are yummy...I think we all will admit that. Fried foods also can lead to cornary heart disease. According to "The Source" magazine, some 12.5 million americans suffer from Coronary heart disease. Now the article I read does not say how many are led to that by fried foods, but that cannot help.

For me fried foods have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I think french fries hav always been one of my favorite foods to eat. I love fried chicken, and wings, and potato chips, and corn nuggets, and all that stuff. It is on my plate almost on a daily basis. I am ashamed to admit that. But it is true. I have never been more serious in my life.

Well, my first change will be as of November 1st, I am elimnating fried foods from my day to day diet. If it is placed in a fryer, and cooked, I will do my best to resist the urge not to eat it. I have to do this for God, for the ministry that He has put in front of me. I have to do it for my nephews and God sons. I have to do this for my future wife...and I pray I may still be blessed to have one. I also have to do this for me. It is time to start treating my body like a temple, and not like a tent.

No matter what this will be an interesting experiment. Don't you agree?

I do need one thing from all of y'all out there. I need your prayers in this. I need you to pray for me to run as far away from this temptation as I possibly can. This is going to be one of the hardest things in the world for me to do. I promise...to some of y'all, I am sure you are going to be like...that should be easy...but I promise you, it will not be. Think about it like this...take away something very important to you (not your kids), and try not to do it for a week...that is what this is like. It will be tough, but with God's strength, I will top this. So pray for me my friends.

In a week, we will talk about my next change. Give me your comments, on what you think so far. Well wishes, would be awesome too!

Have a blessed week.

Your Eternal Bud.

"Praise You in This Storm"
words by Mark Hall

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
'I'm with you'
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
'I'm with you'
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth "

My friend Kerry reminded me of this song the other day. We were talking about theme songs for our lives. I use to do that a lot. Depending on how my life was going for a day, a week, month, or year, I had a song that kind of described how my life was treating me.

There was a period of time in my life where REM's "It's the End of the World, As We Know it", really seemed to hit close to home. Basically that the world around me was just falling apart, but I had to keep up the appearance that everything was fine.

The song above kind of comes in and out of my life as my theme. Again, just when it feels like the whole world is coming apart...at the seams, like crashing in on me...it is God who is there to lift me up, and take me away from the mess that I have put myself in. And the one thing I can do is praise Him all the more. Praise Him for the pain, but also praise Him for taking me away from the pain.

Another song that kind of hit home for me is a song by Dire Straits called "Brothers in Arms". Just talks about that no matter what you go through, you will have your friends to have your back. I first heard the song during an old West Wing episode. And even now when I hear it, takes me back to when I saw the episode for the first time.

Next two bands that mean a lot to me as I was going through college was Third Day and the OC Supertones. Both bands first albums came out around my first year at Flagler. It is amazing, because even now when I hear "Nothing at All" or "Adonai" it takes me back to driving my Toyota Tercel hatchback, that was constantly falling apart on me.

It is amazing the power of music. Music can lift your mood, it make you smile, cry, and sing out loud. Music makes my day.

This post is a little all over the place...but I would love to see your comments about some of your favorite songs...

And thanks for the comments from last week's post. I have not made the decision on what to change yet...but you will see here when I make the decision.

Until nest time, I am your Eternal Bud.

Ch-ch-changes

"Fix You"- by Coldplay
"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
'Just what your worth'

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream, down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...

Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you."

In church this week my friend Eric (who also is the Pastor of the church) preached about God giving us what we need when we give up what we think we need. His sermon has been running in my head ever since.

What is it in my life that I need to give up in order for God to give me what I need? I think about it this way...in order to heal, I have to cleanse the wound. The wounds in my life are very dirty from the things that I have done. As I continue to think about it, it is time to do some spring cleaning in my life. I want to change somethings in my life in order to help everything kind of come together. It is hard to explain, but it seems lately that I have been in a bit of a rut. And I think that a way out of that rut is to change one thing. With that one thing changed, I think that things will snowball and everything will come out changed.

The problem that I have is, that I am not sure what to change. Maybe I should rearrange my apartment (or clean it for that matter). Maybe change the way I spend my week? I am just not sure.

I am not sure how many people read this blog...but I do appreciate all of you who do. I could use your help. Can you faithful reader, help me by giving me advise on what I can change in my life. Has there been something that you have changed in your life, that you recommend? Please post a comment, and help a brother out.

Also, I am making a commitment to myself, and all of you that read this, that every Tuesday I will post a blog. If something inspires me, I will post more...but every Tuesday, I will at least post something new. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I enjoy writing it for you.

Until next Tuesday...

Your Eternal Bud.

Under Construction

"Loser" by 3 Doors Down
"Breathe in right away.
Nothing seems to fill this place.
I need this everytime
So take your lies, get off my case.
Someday I will find
A love that flows through me like this
This will fall away, this will fall away.

You're getting closer
To pushing me off of life's little edge
'Cause I'm a loser
And sooner or later you know I'll be dead
You're getting closer
You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall
'Cause I'm a loser, I'm a loser, yeah.

This is getting old.
I can't break these chains that I hold
My body's growing cold
There's nothing left of this mind or my soul.
Addiction needs a pacifier, the buzz of this poison is taking me higher.
This will fall away, this will fall away.

You're getting closer
To pushing me off of life's little edge.
'Cause I'm a loser
And sooner or later you know I'll be dead.
You're getting closer
You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall
'Cause I'm a loser
I'm a loser!

You're getting closer
To pushing me off of life's little edge.
'Cause I'm a loser
And sooner or later you know I'll be dead.
You're getting closer
You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall.
'Cause I'm a loser

You're getting closer
To pushing me off of life's little edge
'Cause I'm a loser
And sooner or later you know I'll be dead.
You're getting closer
You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall.
'Cause I'm a loser."

I just passed my 40 pound mark in losing weight. I am 1.2 pounds away from hitting my 10 percent of my original weight goal. I am struggling to stay motivated.

Around this point every time I have tried to lose weight, it is around this time that I walk away. I am not sure why that is. You would think that I would be getting pumped up about this. You would think I would be happy with the results. And for the most part I am. But their is an anxious streak that keeps coming up in me. And I am now wondering if I can do this. Can I see this to the finish? At this time, I am not sure.

I am getting tired of not seeing this through. I am tired of the fact that I am 34 years old, and I still struggle with my weight. I am tired of not having all the things that taking care of myself will hold. It is I that is denying myself of being married, of having children, of being loved. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I weighed in the 200-250 area (which is still considered heavy) that I can have each of those things. Why do I know this? Because I have everyone and their brother tell me that I am a good guy. That I am easy to talk to...that I am a good friend. Heck, I even know how to show with a member of the opposite sex. The only reason I am alone right now, is due to my weight. And yet, I am here struggling to stay motivated to lose weight. What is wrong with me??

I need to find the warrior spirit...I need to fight through this. But I am tired...I am tired.

To be continued...

Your Eternal Bud.

Blog-O-Rama!

"Alive" -Superchick

"Don't bury me I'm not yet dead
Don't bury me I'm not yet dead
Don't bury me I'm not yet dead
Not a walking zombie with no head
Not a stepford wife made to obey
Don't want to go through life that way

I'm alive,
I'm alive,
That's what I say
I'm alive,
I'm alive,
Gonna live that way
I'm alive,
I'm alive,
That's what I say
I'm alive and
I'm gonna live today

Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I need to live my dreams not just in my sleep
I've been held up here but it's time to leave
I need to make my move while I've air to breath
Don't give me drugs
No novocaine
I must be alive 'cause I still feel pain
We were born with wings
We were made to fly
We were meant to live while we're still alive"

More blogs to come...I am alive...that is what I said!

Adventures in Grocery Shopping

Shopping by Barenaked Ladies

"Well you know that it's going to be alright
I think it's gonna be alright
Everything will always be alright
When we go shopping

Well you know that it's going to be alright
When we go shopping
It's always lalalalala...
Shopping spree begin
It's always lalalalala...
Everybody wins

So shutup
And never stop
Let's shop
Until we drop

It's always lalalalala...
Shopping never end
It's always lalalalala...
Shopping with our friends
Shopping once again

It's always lalalalala...

It's never enough
Until you've got all the stuff
When the going gets rough
Just shop with somebody tough

It's always...
When we go shopping"

Grocery shopping is very mundane. I honestly do not like it. I do not think that anyone really likes grocery shopping? If any of you do like grocery shopping, then please say so in the comments.

But I am walking around today at my local grocery store, and I am noticing that it is SWAMPED...more so than usual. Then it occurs to me that we have a potential hurricane coming, so, that makes perfect sense. But I have also noticed something. I believe that I am invisible. People are almost running themselves in me. It is kind of funny, because I am begger than most of them, and yet they are still going out of their way to run in to me.

I also noticed that there are some really pretty girls doing their grocery shopping. Is there such thing as being a hopeless romantic? Can one truly find love in the most random of places? I mean think about it, people find love on the internet. They have never seen the person before, but they have the start the love process through emails, and phone calls. I have a couple really amazing friends that have used the match making sites, and now marriage, kids, the works. So why not the grocery store? Why not the passing glance, and the shy smile. Why not the chance meeting? Why not?

Sadly, today was not my day for why not...so I pressed on. I got my food, and was heading home went to my car, and noticed that someone was waiting for my parking spot. Now the spot was not that great. It was about five or six down. And then I noticed that that there was a spot right across from mine. But the lady kept waiting for mine. And she was blocking traffic. I had to laugh. I think my waiting the 3 minutes it took me to load my grocery in my trunk, get in my car, and then get going, the lady could have parked right across from mine, and went in to the store. She would have been in there that much faster, and only taken a handful of steps more. It really is unbelievable.

So that was my trip to the grocery store. I may be without love still, but I still had a laugh, and unlike millions of others, I have food in my fridge. So a good day non-the-less.

So I am watching some cheesey TV, and getting ready for bed. Big day tomorrow. First day with the college kids at St. George's. I will let you know how it goes.

Until then, I am your eternal bud...

Deep Thoughts...

"Must Have Done Something Right" by Relient K

We should get jerseys cause we make a great team
But yours would look better than mine, cause you're outta my league
And I know that it's so cliche to tell you that everyday
I spend with you is the new best day of my life
Everyone watching us just turns away with disgust
It's Jealously, they can see that we've got it going on

And I'm racking my brain for a new improved way
To let you know your more to me than what I know how to say
YOu're ok with the way this is going to be
This is going to be thing we've ever seen

If anyone can make me a better person you could
All I gotta say is I musta done something good
I came along one day and you rearranged my life
All I gotta say is I musta done something right
I musta done something right

Maybe I'm just lucky cause it's hard to believe
Believe that somebody like you'd end up with someone like me
And I know that it's so cliche to talk about you this way
But I'll push all my inhibitions aside
It's so very obvious to everyone watching us
That we have got something real good going on.

And I'm racking my brain for a new improved way
To let you know your more to me than what I know how to say
YOu're ok with the way this is going to be
This is going to be thing we've ever seen."

I am sitting at home tonight, just happy to have gotten through a very hectic week, and I realized I have not put something out on the blog-o-sphere in a while, and so I decided to just sit here and write a bit.

• The name of the blog title is from the column I use to write for the St. George newsletter. Every other month I had to write a column for the church newsletter about a things that were going on in the youth group. Mostly, I just wrote what ever was going on in my head at that time. People said they enjoyed my column, so I guess that was a good thing right? I mention that because this week on Wednesday, I start to work with the college age kids at St. George's. I am pumped up about this. It has been three years since I have last worked with kids. And this time it is with a age group I have never worked before. So, I am hoping that this will be a good thing for me and especially the young adults that come. I will keep you posted on how it goes. Right now, I am just nervous that no one will even show up. We will have to see.
• An interesting thing happened to me on Tuesday. I went to vote (not the interesting thing), and walked in to the voting site. Of course at the table that you sign in at, there was one person in line, and that person happened to be in the same line as I needed to be in. That is SO about right, was the thought that crossed in my head, and I then proceded to wait in line. As I did wait, the lady at the table that was to sign in everyone for the A-D names, look at me, and said, "You've lost a lot of weight since the last time you have been in here." I looked at her, and said, "Yes, I have almost lost35 pounds (I am over 37 now:)". She then proceeded to tell me that she could tell, and to keep it up. I was FLOORED. It was awesome...I have only heard that thought from a hand full of people, and to hear it from a random person like that was great. I finished voting, and went straight to the gym. Had the best workout I ever had.
• My heart is hurting for New Orleans right now. Hurricane Gustav is just churning away, and once again, a massive hurricane is beating down New Orleans like a manical Girl Scout trying to make quota. Now, I know that God does not like nor want suffering...but I am praying that this horrible storm will SLOW way down before it comes back near land. The Big Easy, has not had an easy time since Katrina, and I think this storm could very well be the end of that city. I also pray that everyone gets the heck out of there before it gets bad.
• Yesterday was a story of two friends with cancer. One found out that she did not have breast cancer. I so did the happy dance. I yelled at the top of my lungs when I heard about it at work, and scared the heck out of some random lady that was walking to her car last night. I then later found out yesterday that a very old friend of mine is have an experimental surgery on Tuesday to remove a tumor near their brain. This person is not even scared (or did not seem like it). I was amazed by the courage. Sadly this is the second time my friend is having this surgery. This is where the experimental part comes in. Please put out prayers of thanskgiving for the one with out, and prayers of healing for the one with. Cancer has taken so many people that I love and care about's family and friends. Heck cancer has even tried to take out two people I love...and I so want to beat that disease back!

OK, I am going to be now...I will try my best to be back soon to write more. Until then Go Gators, and I am...

Your Eternal Bud

My Friend Bert

Check this link out:

http://www.firstcoastnews.com/life/community/12whocare/news-article.aspx?storyid=98010&catid=56

Bert is the man!

Thank You!

"Now we say
I said I thank you
I'll always thank you
More than you could know
Than i could ever show
And I love you
I'll always love you
There's nothing i won't do to say these words to you
That you're beautiful forever" -Good Charlotte

As almost all of you know, we had a little storm called Fay occur over the course of the past few days. Fay which is latin for storm that pours WAY too much water over the state of Florida. The winds were pretty crazy too. I saw trees almost sideways, I saw trees down. I saw electric lines down. I had friends send me pics of the flooding that was occuring in their necks of the woods. It was quite incredible the pics that came from my friend Lauren's house (flooded streets and yard), and from my friend Brian in St. Augustine, which was really trying to join the City of Atlantis.

But my time spent with Fay was pretty tame. Besides working though part of it, I did not have any issues with Fay. I was invited by another set of amazing friends Eric, Laura and Bryce to ride out the storm at their place. We did not have any power issues, cable issues, or weather issues. Just a lot of rain, a lot of wind, and some good conversations. I must say that besides being very concerned for some of my friends, that it was the most enjoyable storm I experienced.

So I wanted to take this time to say thank you to Laura, Eric, and Bryce for crashing their house for a few days. That was awfully kind of you. It was a complete blessing to ride out the storm not being alone.

I also wanted to say thank you to a few people who checked in with me to make sure that I was ok through the storm. Lauren, even though your house was underwater (almost) you still called to make sure I was ok. Brian, thanks for checking in with me even though your city was underwater. Big thanks to my little sis Melissa for continually texting me and asking how I am. Thank you to Kerry for the im's, Kim for the email, John for the call, and of course my family.

My prayers are with the ones that are still suffering through this horrible storm. My praise of thanksgivings are for all the dear ones out there that cared enough to be concerned about me the pas few days! THANK YOU!

Your Eternal Bud!

I Heart Kerri Walsh

"When light goes down, I see no reason
For you to cry. we've been through this before
In every time, in every season,
God knows I've tried
So please dont ask for more.

Can't you see it in my eyes
This might be our last goodbye

Carrie, Carrie, things they change my friend
Carrie, Carrie, maybe well meet again

I read your mind, with no intentions
Of being unkind, I wish I could explain
It all takes time, a whole lot of patience
If its a crime, how come I feel no pain." -Europe

OK, I am in love with a six foot 3 inch women whom I have never met. But let me profess my love. I love her spike, I love how she sets, and I love how she blocks the volleyball back in to her opponents face. You see Kerri Walsh is a beach volleyball player, that makes it look WAY too easy. With her partner Misty May-Trainor, they basically are spending the next two weeks kicking the world around. Kerri and Misty are the best beach volleyball players in the world. The play so well as a team, and are just amazing. They know each others moves, and play almost as one. It is incredible!

Yes, Kerri is blond haired, and blue eyes, and has legs that go on forever (she is also married), but that is not why I heart Kerri Walsh. I mean those are good ideas, but the reason I love Kerri is due to how she plays the game. You see I attempt to play beach volleyball. At least that is what I thought I did. But seeing Kerri and Misty make the game I struggle at look, well easy. It is unreal. And Kerri does everything well. She can block like a wall. She can hit like a hammer, and she sets so beautifully that it just makes me be in awe.

I attempt Beach Volleyball...Kerri Walsh plays Beach Volleyball...and I heart her game so much!

The Olympics so kick butt!

Your Eternal Bud!

The First Hurdle

"Reluctantly crouched at the starting line,
Engines pumping and thumping in time.
The green light flashes, the flags go up.
Churning and burning, they yearn for the cup." -"The Distance" by Cake

I am right now feeling awful. I have a cold. I get colds several times a year, although I am not sure why. It kind of stinks, but I did want to take a few minutes to tell you about an event that happened over the weekend.

I went in on Saturday to weigh in, like I normally do, and something very cool happened. I dropped a digit on the scale. I finally lost enough weight (35 pounds) that I am below 400 pounds for the first time in a while. I am now 398.8 pounds, and plan on NEVER seeing 400 pounds again. I still have a LONG way to go dear friends, but this was an awesome tangible fist hurdle.

The next hurdle is 8 pounds from now. That will be where I have lost 43 pounds, ot 10 percent of my initial weight. I will keep you posted on this.

When people decide to climb some of our biggest mountains on earth, (Everest, K2) they have to climb in stages. To climb Everest, it normally takes climbers 3 weeks just to get to the top. The travel is dangerous, and they have to take their time to have their blood get use to the elevation changes. I am kind of equating my weight loss to climbing Everest. It is take me time (wish it only took 3 weeks). I am going to stop at times, due to frustration or just sometimes weight loss stalls, but I plan on always continuing to climb. I have tried to lose this weight over 10 times...all failing...but you know something, it just takes one more time. It takes only one more time trying something before it takes in your life.

So I am at my first check point on this LONG climb to the top of my life. The top is still so far away. But you know, the top is a lot closer than it was 15 weeks ago.

Your Eternal Bud.

The Oddest Places

I am guessing that if you are reading this blog that you do know a little something about me. If you are reading this, and do not know me, then I must be boring the heck out of you. But that is not my problem.

I think 2 of the things you know about me, is one, I occasionally get a little moody, and two, me and my Dad do not exactly see eye to eye on really anything. Surprisingly, both of these facts came together today.

I was on one of my moods. I really did not want to see anyone, or do anything. But today was my oldest nephew Caleb's 3rd birthday. At 3:00 today I showed up at my sister's place with gift in tow (walkie-talkies, which my sister advised me Caleb really wanted), and I really did not want to be there. I wanted to be home, and watch movies, and just be away from anyone. But my uncle sense of duty was calling to me. It was time to spend time with people, let alone the most stressful people of all...family. The party started off good natured. My brother-in-law's family are very kind good natured people, and it was fine. My sister was kind of going crazy...but that was to be expected. My Mom was being hostess, and then my Uncle, Aunt, and cousin showed up. Then, I heard a strange voice coming from the front door. A deep voice that I had not heard in a while. My Dad.

You see my Dad was not suppose to be at the party. He called my sister and me and told me that he could not make it this time, but hoped to come for Eli's (my youngest nephew) birthday. And then, he showed up. Said that he was wanted to surprise us. Well that he did, and I was. I was surprised by my Dad, his wife, and her son Anthony.

Honestly, at first, I was sceptical. My stress-o-meter went to about a 40 on a 10 scale. If I was a cat, my back fur would be up. If I was a comic book hero, my spider-sense would be tingling. Usually when my Dad is around, I always get anxious, and gittery, and never feel good about it. My Dad and I are just about complete opposites. If it was not for the similar appearance in our faces, and love for the West Wing, and Gator football, there would not be anything that would relate us to one another. It is funny, but when he is around I all of a sudden become 10 again, and feel insecure, and like I am not good enough. But we are family. He is my dad.

But a surprising thing happened today. I did not feel 10. I felt like myself. And you know something, I laughed. I told jokes. My spirits lifted. I enjoyed myself more at the party. And afterwards I went and had dinner with my Dad and his family. Although tired, I enjoyed myself very much. I ahd a great time, and a great day.

Now, I am not saying that my Dad had to do with my change of mood. I am not sure if that was the case...but you know, I think he helped. He sure did not hurt my mood. And you know that is something. It is something that is potentially good.

Wow, it is late. I will go over thoughts about the last paragraph at another time.

Until then, I am your Eternal Bud.

But you

The World Needs Heroes...to Read About

As most if not all of you know, I am a bit of a pop culture guru. I am a fan of movies, music, comic books, and regular books. I know trivia about some of my favorite items in pop culture. I annoy my friends with random quotes from movies like Star Wars, Ghostbusters, and Caddyshack. I love my new comic book days, and I like it when new CDs come out. I was one of the people who hung out in line for the last Harry Potter book. So needless to say, that I am a child of pop culture.

There is one thing that is bothering me about the movie/book/comic book business as of late: the rise of the "anti-hero". This is a character that is willing to do anything to get to their primary objective. We have characters that steal things, so that they can "help" people. There are characters that hurt people to get information that they want. The same characters and others also kill people to "save" others. This is a disturbing trend. I do not like it. I do not like it one bit.

What ever happen to real hereos? What ever happen to heroes that people created that we could look up to? What happened in literature where it was said that in order to have a good story, we need to have a character be moody, and dark. What happened to the creation of heroes that were like Superman, truth, justice, and the americal way? What happened to Spider-Man and "With great power, comes great responsibility"? I want new heroes to believe in. I want to read a book, or see a movie and see a character that I can believe in. I want a hero to have a belief system of something I believe in. I want a hero that I feel good when I finish the story or movie, and not feel like I am rooting for the wrong team.

I know that the world we live in has real heroes now. The events of 9/11, the soldiers over in Iraq, the people who donated money, and time to help Tsunami victims, or helping to end hunger all over the world. Heroes are police officers, or fire fighters, that protect us on an every day basis. A hero is a missionary that goes where no other person wants to go to bring the gospel to a country where a government is determined to spit in Jesus' face. These are real heroes for real times. I am thankful to heroes like them. Because of them, I am able to be free, and be able to openly worship Jesus with out the fear of being persecuted. Heck, I am able to be free to read anything I want to. It is a blessing, I need to thank God more for.

I want the real heroes, but I also want the fictional ones. The fictional ones are the ones that sadly people know more about. We need these fictional heroes to help show the world that there is a light. We need fictional heroes to believe in.

The world need heroes, not villians dressed in a white hat.

It is late...not sure I am making sense anymore...going to bed.

Your Eternal Bud.

Thoughts are Screaming in My Head

Have you ever had so many thoughts running through your head that you can't get any of them out? Almost like a funnel that has too much in it, and everything gets stuck instead of pour out. Well that is how I am feeling right now. My head actually feels full. I am going to try to get some of it out right now.

• My friend Karisse's blog has been putting a lot of those thoughts in my head. Karisse has a heart for the world, and she does an amazing job in her blog talking about it. She is talking about Human Traffiking (hope I spelled that right) on her blog now, and I hope everyone who can read Karisse's blog does. It kind of shows how naive I am of the world as a whole right now. I have heard some things about Human Traffiking, but not to the extent that she is working with in her life right now. Karisse also has many resources that are on her site that you can go to if you have more questions, or want to help. Karisse, if you read this, and you are good with it, can you please post your blog site in the comment section of my blog? I am still not sure how I am going to help...but it is something that I feel like I need to do something.
• Tomorrow is my Godson Jacob, and his brother (my pal) Connor's joint birthday party. Now will this party be insane? Yes it will. It will be a dozen or more kids running around a controlled area, and basically acting like kids. I need to get my sleep tonight. But it will be fun. The smiles make it completely worth it. Giraffes, and hulu hoops, and Mickey Mouse oh my!
• My nephews have been in my thoughts a lot lately. I wonder if have spent enough time with them. I wonder if I have made an impact on their lives. I know I am selfish...I want to say something here, but it might hurt my family...so I think I am going to leave something unsaid.
• I think about my life and where I am right now. I think about my age, my marital status, my legacy. I do not think I have much of a legacy right now. I want to change that.
• I think about my weigh in tomorrow. And a little bit of fear creeps in. I think of the possibility of gaining weight. Of disappointing myself...of disappointing my friends. My hear grows heavy thinking about that.
• I think about after the party tomorrow, and about meeting my Uncle and Aunt to go to the movies. We are potentially seeing 2 movies tomorrow...in one day. Am I crazy? I might be.
• I think about God...I think about how lousy my prayer life is right now. I think about why I cannot stay focused enough to talk to Him in a focused completely heart felt way. I think about not being worthy enough to talk to the creator of the universe...and yet He still wants me to. You know, most actors, singers, or writers that are "famous" you cannot talk to anytime you want to, but the creator of the universe is available 24/7, and I do not take advantage of that enough. Why? Why? Why? Bishop Desmond Tutu once said, "There is nothing you can do to make God love you less. There is nothing you can do to make God love you more." But why do I always, always feel so completely unworthy.
  
• I think about the tobyMac song, "Lose My Soul". "I don't want to gain the whole world to lose my soul." I wonder how much of my soul has been lost to the world. We are to be in this world, not of this world. We are to be aliens in this world. I sometimes wonder if I have become a resident. Father, I hope not.
• Speaking of father's, my Dad sent an email to the family a few days ago to announce that he and his fourth wife Debbie are seperating and that they will probably be divorced soon. I feel bad for him about this one. The other ones, not so much...but this one I do. Dad has been on the straight and narrow on this one...he has tried hard to make it work. It just still fell apart. He seems OK with it. Almost resigned that this one has failed. I feel very bad for him.
  
• My Dad once asked me why I am not married yet...I told him that God gives fathers and sons so many chances at wives, and that he took all mine.
  
• I saw the movie Wall-E...it is amazing...I strongly recommend it to everyone.

Well, I got some of it out of my head...my head still feels full. Sigh.

Your Eternal Bud,

CHRIS

Like the Header?

Thanks to my friend Laura, I have a new banner telling everyone just who this blog belongs to. Like it? I know I do. Hopefully with her help, my blog will look a little different over the course of the next few month.

But thanks LaLa!

More blogs to come...

Chris

Road Blocks

Sorry, it has been SO LONG since I blogged last. I had a bit of a road block...a set back last week, in my quest to take care of myself better. After 7 straight weeks of losing weight, I gained .6 pounds. That is right, not six pounds, but POINT six pound...not even a full pound. Well I stressed. I was afraid to face all of you, and tell you what has happened. To face each of you who have been supporting me, and caring about me, and rooting me on...I hated the fact I even gained an ounce. What was worst was that, I did not deserve that .6 of a pound. I worked out, I ate pretty well...there was not way I should have gained.

Now, if you said the week before that I gained something, I would have believed that. I worked out, but I ate HORRIBLY. I still lost 3 pounds. So needless to say I did not get last week. It really hit hard on me. i only told a handful of people. It really stunk.

I want to say that my depression lasted almost the whole week. It probably lasted until yesterday, my next weigh in day. I ended up losing 3 pounds this week. It was a good three pounds...I felt very pleased with it. But this is a new week, and it is time for hard work to get the next 3 off.

The Day Before

Fridays are a blessing and a curse for me now a days. Fridays mean the end of the week, and the beginning of the weekend which is great...it also means bowling night...which I am really enjoying...but it also means that it is the day before I weigh in.

You would think that weigh in days would be a source of happiness...but to be honest, they really are not. The Friday before, I stress out...I absolutely hate it. I can be having the best week in the world, work out regularly, eating well, and only lost about a half a pound...or lost 4 pounds...or if I had a bad week, eating bad, not working out that much, then it is like the long walk to failure. I know I have screwed up, and now there is nothing I can do about it. So now, i have to wait to see how bad I messed up. And then after a bad weigh in, it is a walk of shame...and all the people I have to tell that I have not lost anything, or that I have gained weight...to see the polite, "well you will do better next week", or just the look on their face that tells me, "oh he messed up...he does not take it seriously...he will never be healthy".

I will say this...I am taking it seriously this time around. I have lost weight the past 6 weeks. I am have signed up with a gym. I am working out on a regular basis now. I do not want to fail again. My goodness, I have failed at this over and over again. I have failed at trying to lose weight and taking care of myself since I was 13 years old. That was the first time I did Weight Watchers (this time with WW is my 7th time)...it did not stick then....and here I am now...praying that it will stick now...praying that I will not mess this up again. Praying that I will make my friends, my family, heck even me, proud one day. This is all that is going on in my head the day before a weigh in. And some of you wonder why I have gray hair.

So, if you ask me if I am excited about my weigh in's...the answer is no...it is all one big bundle of stress to me.

COLDS: I Hate Them!

Yes, it is officially, I have a cold again. For some reason I get about 4 to 5 colds a year. It gets so completely annoying! I have trouble sleeping, my throat always get sore, and I can never breath. It kind of stinks!

So here I sit in my apartment which gets smaller the longer I sit in it, watching TV. I have read every site online that I normally do, I have even did some research on Harry S Truman. Truman is actually a really great president...he had a lot of really tough decisions to make in a very troubling time (WW II, Korea, communism). He made it through his time as president with a lot of grace, and humor. I must read a biography on him. But I digress...

My sister today told me that the boys have been sick...so that is probably where I got it. Sigh! These kids in my life...always making me sick. Oh yes, and my AC is leaking, and water is getting every where. But I just cleaned it up...Yuck...have to blow my nose.

Now, i know what you are thinking...this is a RANDOM blog to end all random blogs. I am beginning to think that too. Let me reel this in, and have a purpose to this blog.

The other odd part about being sick, is that you are always tired. You sleep a lot, but even after you wake up you are still tired.

Well, I am waiting on a phone call, so I am going to let you guys go...so sorry, no purpose to this blog.

Your Eternal Bud...

Updates

It has been an interesting couple of weeks for me. Lots of stuff to discuss, lots of things to mention...not sure why I have not written about it yet, but here we go.

Last week, I was able to spend part of my weekend in Orlando. I got to spend a little bit of time with my friends Melissa and Andy. That was a lot of fun. Saw Prince Caspian (awesome if you want to know) They are two very giving people. They opened up their doors for me so that I can be in Orlando for one of my best bud's graduation from seminary. On last Saturday, I went to a beautiful church service, and a gradution happened. That was what it was like...it was very cool. I was honored to be asked by Eric and his family to attend the graduation. He marched across the stage, and did not trip or anything. We then went out to a nice dinner in Eric's honor, and I was on my way home due to the next big thing...but before I go in to that, congrats to Eric...so proud of you man! And BIG thank you to Melissa and Andy for giving me a place to stay so that I can go to the graduation. You guys are awesome.

I went home on Saturday night, so that I can go to the St. George's Youth Sunday on Sunday. The reason I HAD to be there was due to three very special people who were a part of a ceremony for their impending graduation. I was very proud to hear 2 of them speak during the ceremony. One of them, said the most amazing thing that has been floating in my head for a solid week. She said, "It does not matter how you get there, or when you get there, just that you get there". There will be more to come in another blog about that statement...there is just way too much to talk about with that one statement alone. The Youth Sunday service was fantastic...I enjoyed it, and came out of it very happy and proud of my kids.

So then I go to the middle part of this past week. I decided that I need to take this taking care of myself to another lever. I have been steadily losing weight, and changing my eating habits, so I needed to take the next step. I signed up with a gym on Monday. I then proceeded to work out on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday of this week. I will be honest with you, I hate it. I cannot stand working out the way I am. But you know something, I need to do it. I HAVE to do this. It hurts ALL over...it is painful, AND it is not fun! On the treadmill about 15 minutes in the 30 minutes that I am on it, I start to want to jump off, and do anything else. But, so far I have not done it. Now mind you I had to pass up on something very fun today, because I was so very exhausted, and my legs are feeling very tired. But when I get healthier, this will all be worth it. I hope the friend I had to pass up today understands. I hope to one day be able to make up all the missed opportunities that I have to turned down with all of you. One day, I hope my weight will never be an issue when it comes to doing stuff with the people I love.

So, I weighed in yesterday and lost another 5 pounds. I am up to 22.8 pounds lost...and I have had 6 weeks now of not gaining any of the weight back, and not drinking one caloric beverage. (You know I figured out at one point in time I was probably drinking almost to over 2,000 calories in caloric beverages-drinks with calories in it- a day! YIKES). So this is stuff I am pretty proud of myself so far. Go me.

So this is where I am at now...will continue to try to blog more soon. Maybe there is somebody out there reading this.

Until then...I am your Eternal Bud!

Imagine This...

**Warning...this blog may be a waste of your time...but it may make you think or day dream.**

I think everyone who reads my blog knows that I am a big comic book dork. I think it is safe to say that, without anyone being shocked out of their socks. Well, last night I am reading a comic book, and thinking to myself, how cool would it be to be able to fly.

I close my eyes, and try to picture it. To be able to move gracefully (something, I have never been able to do), and go through the clouds. To be able to sore, and fly with the bird, would be incredible. Can you imagine flying up 3000 feet, and looking down to see how quiet the world would look. To be able to feel the sun on your face from a closer place? How amazing would it be to do something that no one else would be able to do? There would be such a peace about it.

Would flying be like swimming? Would it be like walking? I would love to just float, and just be able to just be. To have the 360 degree motion? To be able to go anywhere that I want to go...oh that would just be amazing to me.

I know this blog does not have much sense to it...but that is just what was floating in my head.

What super power would you like to have?

Why is it So Hard?

Food is my kryptonite. For those who are geek challenged, that means food is my weakness. I use to have the hardest time admitting that it was my weakness. I still do for the most part. But as I continue to lose the weight, I am see what weakness, or crutch that food is to me.

Yesterday, I had a conversation with my friend Andy. His wife had bought pizza for myself and a group of hungry gamers (hey, sitting around playing games is HARD work :), and there was plenty of left overs. Andy asked me if I wanted any of it, and I had to say no. I told Andy that I could not take any home. If I did, it would be eaten in mass amounts. Andy then asked if I wanted to take just 2 pieces home. I ended up telling him no again, because if I did take it home, I would have eaten both pieces later that night. I am glad I said no..because I am sure I would have been right.

My brain does not work like others. I get full like others, but i still continue to cram my face, even if I am full. I eat, like a bear in the winter time, not knowing when my next meal is coming. I am still not sure why I eat as much as I do...or why I eat, when I know I am full. I wish I did know. It is something that I am still trying to figure out why. Until I figure out why I eat the way I do, I am going to have to keep saying no. No to taking leftovers home, no to anything extra. Food is my drug...food is my fear. And every day I have to fight that fear.

So this is where I am right now...wish I had something more fun to say...but this is what is on my heart right now...

Agony of Da Feet, Marching for a Victory

As I said in the previous blog, I walked 2,5 miles for the March for Babies walk. Now to you average people, 2.5 miles may not sound like a lot. Heck it does not sound like a whole lot to me...but i reminded myself that I was walking for a good cause, myself.

You see, I raised over $500 for the March of Dimes, and that is awesome. By the way if you are reading this, and have not donated, even a little amount...there is still time. Go to the website, I mentioned in the last blog, and you can donate there. I raised the money in honor of my Godson Jacob, and his little brother Connor. I have blogged about Jacob before, and he is a great kid. So full of life, and fun (beats the poop out of me too!). So, i raised the money for him and his brother. But when it came to the walk, I did not want to do it. I was trying to think of so many excuses not to do it. I even prayed for rain. Nothing...no excuses, no rain...nothing. So, I decided to do something about it. I decided to walk, but I decided not to walk for Jacob, or Connor, or even my friend Lauren who asked me to raise money. I decided not to walk for the people that donated money in my name. Nope, I decided there was only one way to do this thing. I had to walk for me. I had to be the one that took the steps, and felt the pain. I had to be the one that got scared, because I could not take one more step, and was still able to go one. I had to want this. I wanted to walk the full 5K walk...until I found out it was not a 5K, but a 5 mile walk...which is a HUGE difference. But I got half way. And I was proud of myself. Prouder than I had been with myself in a long time. It was nice to be able to accomplish something. And you know something, I did not die. I did it...all on my own...with God's help. Trust me, I was in constant communication with Dad...and He was the one that gave me the strength to go as far as I did.

Again, let me focus on this walk...at over 400 pounds, I was walking for 2 or 3 people...and I did it. Imagine your spouse or signifigant other, jumping in your arms and carrying them 2.5 miles...that is what I did with myself. This is a huge accomplishment...one that I will be proud of the rest of my life. That 2.5 mile walk might just be the thing that helps save my life. We will see, but I want to work harder.

And next year will be even bigger (not me) and better. By losing this weight, I will next year walk the whole 5 miles. And I want to raise $1000 for the March of Dimes. So if you did not donate this year...I am finding you next year. And if you did donate this year...that does not let you off the hook either:)

So the agony of my feet became victory. God is good all the time.

Your Eternal Bud.

Busy Week

First off, big thank you's to all of you for the emails, and messages through the blogs sites with the encouraging words, and bits of wisdom about my ongoing weight loss. Just to give all of you an update on where I am at: I have lost 12.4 pounds so far. Not too bad...wish it was more...but I will take what I can get.

Now, I want to talk to you about this week. It was a crazy week for me, and I almost did not make it. And now, i start a new week...sigh...luckily next weekend is a LOT slower. Yeah me.

Now, to this week. On Tuesday, I was invited by my friend Brian, and his lovely girlfriend Kris over for dinner. They showed me how to cook veggies better. I have an awful times eating veggies, and Kris (who is an awesome cook) showed me how to make tastier veggies. We also had a very nice time watching and grading the American Idols contestants. It was an awesome meeting.

On Wednesday, it started early. I originally had the day off, but got canceled out when a co-worker of mine got sick, and we needed someone to work the reports for my area. After the day was over with, I met up with my cousin and her fiance and saw the movie "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". It has 2 of my favorite new actors in it, Jason Segal and Kristin Bell. It was funny, but, it was one of those uncomfortable funny movies. It was also a very crude movie. So I so do not recommend the movie to any of my friends out there...

Thursday was trivia night, which went off with out a hitch, until the last question of the night with the whole game up for grabs. I was adament that I was right on the question, and my partner in trivia night said he was right in his...and we argued about it. We ended up after my calling out his manhood, going with my answer. And I ended up being wrong. And my trivia partner was right. I felt horrible, and my partner made sure I felt worse...it sucked!

Friday was bowling night...uneventful...but it was ok.

Saturday was the March of Dimes walk. If you still want to donate to March of Dimes, please check out this website: http://www.marchforbabies.org/personal_page.asp?w=41000072&u=DeezGators

Now for the walk...it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I was told it was a 5K, but it ended up being a 5 mile walk. It was up hills,and bridges, and very tough. I ended up walking 2.5 miles of it. I felt great, until this morning. I was exhausted today, and had a hard time even moving. I still feel amazing. I am ready to walk more. I will keep you posted.

So that was my week...I weighed in too (see above). This week, I am going to concentrate on moving more.

Blessings to you all...I will be back soon with something more fun to write about.

Your Eternal Bud!

Hi My Name is Chris and I Weighed 433 Pounds

Yep, that is right. I have let myself go so much, that I now weigh the most that I have ever weighed in my life. Am, I scared...you better believe it. Am I disappointed in myself? Yeah, I am. Was I depressed beyond all get out last week? Very much so. But, I want to do something about it now. I cannot live like this one minute longer.

First thing I need to do is triage. I started Weight Watchers last Saturday. All of last week, I did not have one caloric beverage. I stuck to my WW food plan. I ate healthy food. I took care of myself, except exercising. Yesterday, I weighed in, and I weighed in at 426 pounds...7.4 pound loss. I am pumped up! I need to keep on this role. I even tried salmon last night (did not like it...but it was cooked great).

I am going to keep fighting this...this is my seventh go around with Weight Watchers...my umpteeth time at trying to take care of myself. Is this time going to be different? I am not sure...only time will tell. The only thing I can is keep fighting. I can't surrender. I have been doing it too long.


To be continued...

Sitting at Home with Oscar

I am sitting watching the lovely Kristen Chenowith sing right now. Can you believe a woman that is 4 foot 10 inches tall can sing like no ones business? She has an amazing voice. I am watching the Oscars people. I know that it is a love fest for the Hollywood elite, but you know something, I like watching this show. It is just fun to me.

Now to get down to business. The reason I am writing is to talk about a thing that happen to me today. I went with my family to go see "Spamalot" today. For those of you, who do not know what that is, it is a musical based upon the movie, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail". It is a fantastic musical. I laughed so hard through out. It is amazing. Sadly, this is not what I want to talk about.

When we got to the theater, my worst nightmare came true. The seats for the theater are small for even normal people. How do I know this? Because the people I was with told me they were. The seats are very low to the ground, and very thin. So getting in the seat was not comfortable for me. My body had to squeeze in to this seat, and sadly it pured out the seats next to me. I was sitting with my friend, and soon to cousin in law Jeremy, and decided to sit in a seat away from him. First it is a guy code thing, and second I figured it would be more comfortable to sit a seat away from him until the person sitting there came. Well people came, but it turns out that we did have a extra seat. But the older couple that sat next to me, I could tell was uncomfortable to sit next to a guy that clearly was taking up part of their chair too. The gentlemen did not complain to me, but he did go up and talk to an usher for a moment. I was sure that he was talking to the usher about me. And you know something I can understand that. Well, once the show started, the gentlemen and his wife switched seats to a pair of seats across the isle from where we were sitting. They sat there the whole show, and no one said anything. Everything is all good right? Not so much.

This obviously got in my head. Gosh, the fact that I was uncomfortable in that seat the whole time kind of kept myself in my head. Now, please know, I had a wonderful day today. The show was amazing, and I had so much fun. But this is the thing that kind of sticks with you. So the question is, what am I going to do about this? Well, the first thing is as much as I like shows, I am not going to go anymore until I get my weight under control. I am not going to inconvenience another person like that again. I fel so bad for that guy. He paid good money for that ticket,and I may have been the cause of him not enjoying himself.

It is time to work harder at losing this weight. I do not want to be a pest to anyone anymore. I especially do not want to be a pest to myself anymore. It is time to love me. I am going to work on this harder. That is a promise I have to all of you in cyber land.

Until next time.

My Heart Is Broken...

Random Thoughts and Other Stuff

I had every intention to come out here in Blog Land and tell you my current updates on what I have learned over the past couple of days. But, I am currently house sitting for a dear friend, and I completely forgot all my paperwork. So deal pals of mine, I will have to get back with you on my latest update. So instead tonights blog, you will get some of my random thoughts.

• The amazing TV show LOST is back starting tomorrow. In this cultrual waste land that is know as the writer's strike, it will be nice to have a first rate TV show back.
• And speaking of the strike. I am very much tired of the strike right now. I know that the writers are doing what they feel is right and fair to get what they feel they deserve, but why does the fan always have to suffer? We as fans deserve better. we help pay their bills. For once I wish that large organizations would take in to the thought the people that actually give them the money to do what they love. It would be interesting to see what happens.
• John McCain won the republican primary here yesterday. I do not nomally do political stuff on here because that can do nothing but get people mad at you, but I was really impressed with his very gracious acceptance speech. He was kind, and considerate, and had a really genuine speech.
• In a recent issue of Amazing Spider-Man, they basically just hit the reset button, and erased about 20 years of stories. This thing really stinks...and is making me decide if I am going to actually continue to read what was my favorite comic of all time.
• Casting Crown's newest CD, "The Altar and the Door" is an amazing album. "What this World Needs", and "East to West" are amazing songs. You really need to take a listen to this album when you a chance.
• Weight wise...today was a good day. I ate well, felt pretty good, and came to my home happy. It is a nice feeling.
• Last week in trivia, team 3's a Crowd got second place. So in 2 weeks, we have got a third place, and a 2nd place. We are shooting for gold this week!
• SuperBowl is this Sunday. Looking forward to the game, and hopefully the commercials are good too. I will be rooting for the Giants, because Tom Coughlin is coaching, and he use to coach the Jags. Tom also does a lot of charity work around Jacksonville. This is a good guy, and I am really happy that he is getting this shot. However, I think the Patriots will win this thing big 45-24.

Ok, that is it for now. I will be writing again very soon. Until then, I wanted to take the time to say thank you to all of you who are writing comments. I do appreciate each one of you who support me to say that you are reading this with your precious time that you have. I hope you enjoy this little bit of time inside my head.

Until next time...I am your eternal bud!

How am I Doing?

That sure is a loaded question. First of all, I need to tell all of you that care about me that I am fine. I have some really nervous discussions with friends that after reading my blog from a few weeks ago, were wondering if I was going to hurt myself. Believe me, I am OK. The only hurting of myself that I am doing is by my eating. Life is diffcult, but nothing is meant to be easy. The burden is diffcult, but the yoke is light...remember that? But, I do want to say thank you to all of you who were reading, and were concerned. And for those who contacted me to check in, thank you for that too. I do appreciate knowing that I am loved.

Now back to the question. I am doing better. Out of the funk that I am in. Feeling more confident...better than I was weeks ago. I am far from where I want to be, but I found a map, and I am trying to read it to get back where I need to be. So, much like what the Star Trek trailer said, I am "Under Construction". My life, my body everything is under construction.

Spiritual, I am doing better too. Conversations with God are becoming more frequent. Conversations about God are coming back to be a part of everyday life. It is nice to say that. God is not one to ever leave you...and trust me I tried. I am doing my best now to get back with feeling like I am keeping up with the bargain with out rlationship together.

Now back to the weight. I am a part of this small group called "Lose it For Life". It is done throun New Life Ministries which does the "Every Man's Battle" series. It is about tackling your weight issues with a spiritual apporach. Something I really never did before. I am still learning about the series, but expect to hear more from me about this.

One of the things I am going to do starting next week, is to write about my goals for the week. I have done a rough job so far of following through with some of my goals. So I figure if I write about them, it will make them more concrete to me. Make sense?

Here are some of the things, I have learned so far:

• The problem is physical, the cause is menatl, the solution is spiritual.
• There is a stubborn resistance that is causing me to stay overweight. I need to figure out what it is.
• By staying connect with people in a deep, rich way, it will help me to get better faster. This part is so true, because I notice when I am at my lowest, and not working on this, is when I make myself the most isolated.
• That hunger is great diversion from actually being in the moment.
• You cannot heal, until you let someone see the wound, and help you out. By blogging, I will be showing all of you my wounds.
• The goal is not to lose weight, but to keep the weight off.
• There is healing in openness.
• Part of healing is the dying of oneself.
• The way that we hurt ourselves is by deciding that we are the only ones in the world making mistakes, when that is simply not the case.
• Do not multi-task. Do not eat, and do something else. It will cause you to not enjoy the meal process, and make you eat faster, or eat in an unhealthy way.
• The three C's of losing weight: connection, community, and councel.

So that is where I am at right now. I am trying to place all of the things I have learned so far in my life. Not much progress yet, but I feel it is coming.

This is where I am at. Your comments are so appreciated. It is nice to see my old friends tell me what is going on with them an cheering me on. Thanks for commenting! Please keep them coming.

PS...second place in trivia this week. Next week, we go for first!

Sitting Around watching TV waiting for Clothes to Dry

I am turning the channels on my TV, and what do I see. A show called "The Moment of Truth". This show is like a car accident on the side of the road. The premise of the show is that a person is strapped in to a lie detector, and by telling the truth to really embarassing questions, they win money. And when I say embarassing question...I mean they are brutal. One of the questions was, "Have you ever thought that anohter woman was prettier than your wife?" And the guys wife was right there watching.

I mean what the heck. Is there where we are at in life? Look honesty is fine...I am all for it. But this is craziness. I am so speechless as to what to say about this show. I will say, that it is terrible, and I cannot believe I watched it as long as I did. I so have to wash my brain out with soap!

Now if the Writer's Strike was not going on, we would still have these awful shows where we try to embarrass our fellow man. Why do we have shows that try to bring us down, and not build us up? We need shows that will support us as the human race, and teach us to accept one another better. And not try to prophet on another person's embarrassment. I think i should have just turned off the TV, and read a book.

Tomorrow, I will post how I am doing, and what is going on with me...

Connection, Trivia, and iPod!

Yep, the title says it all. That pretty much sums up my week. So how do the three items go together? Well, I guess you will have to read about it.

Connection, or staying connected. It is funny, but I realized when I am at my lowest, about how I feel about myself, or in my head the most, it is because I am a bit of a loner. I stay away from people, I stay away from friends. I lose that connection. I want to push away so that I can feel unloved, and continue to dump on myself. It is amazing...I purposely torture myself, so that I can feel unloved. Devil is fun that way. How he plants little thoughts in our heads, and we just run with them.

I need that connection. I crave it. I am a social person. I am at my happiest when I am with people. Saturday and tonight (Thursday) proved that to me. On Saturday, it was one of the busiest days, that I have had in a long while. I first did the small group I was telling you about. It was amazing. I met some great people, who seemed to generally care about me. It was a marvelous small group, and one I hope to share more. Later, I had my fantasy football end of the season wrap up. Just ahnging out with the guys talking about football. It was amazing. So much fun, and so much sports. Then it was off to my old church St. George's where I was my friend Patricia's wing man for a party for a trip to Cuba. And trust me when I say, no one parties like St. George's does. Good spirits, great food, and good music where found everywhere. It was a blast. I also had a change to reconnect with some old friends...that was nice. Then after the party, the night was not over...it was on to my friend Kel and Sarah's to watch my beloved Jaguars fight the good fight, but lose to the Patriots...the Jags did do well. But relaxing, and laughing was a nice way to end that busy day. I went home satisfied. Feeling very connected.

That connection, has lasted almost the whole week. Tonight, i received a call from my friends Jonathan and Edith inviting me up to a sports bar to play trivia. I accepted, and had a blast. A lot of fun, and laughs! We even tied for first...although we ended up in third based off a botched tie breaker. But it was what the doctor ordered. I am continuing to feel that connection to people. That connection is what is going to help me get back to places I need to be with my weight, and with my relationships. Especially with God!

Now, you have heard the first two...now on to the final one, the iPod. As all of you know, i love my iPod. But, I had issues with my lovely iPod over the course of the past week. That is why I have not blogged. I have been fighting with the iPod so much, I did not want to type. Well tonight, I completed the iPod mission. I have now successfully moved all my songs, to my new computer! Yes! It only took a week, but it is done. So now, no more excuses not to blog.

So this is where I am at now. I will be back soon, to continue to tell you the progress of my life.

Hope each of you that read this, will stop in on my life sometime and say Hi. I will be happy you did.

Until then, I am Your Eternal Bud!

COLD Kicking It on a Monday

It is about to be cold again. I just went to do laundry, and had to go outside to do it, and man did the chill get to me.

Funny part, is most of the country would LOVE to have the weather we are having right now. So for those of you who are laughing at us, I will still take this weather, over the 40 million inches of snow you guys up north have.

Well, I am just reporting in. Because of an iTunes set up tonight on my computer, I am not going to have time to do a proper post.

I will be back tomorrow to talk to you about the small group, and other thoughts that I have.

Till tomorrow!

Before I go to Bed...

About to go to sleep for the night. Going to my first small group tomorrow for Lose it For Life...

Not sure what to expect. I hope it is good. I am kind of in my head right now. We will see tomorrow morning.

New Attitude

It is funny...I was planning to write another sad written blog...I mean, I was in the right attitude to be sad. Things, still have not changed, still overweight...still not happy...still not sure what to do with my life. But it is amazing what happens. It is amazing when things change.

Today things changed with a phone call. My friend James called. After years of trying to get pregnant, and then over a year in the adoption process, they got a call. A baby. A baby boy. And the baby is theirs. In a moment call, they have a baby. After so many years, and so much heartache, they have the baby that they want.

How amazing is that? A moment within a call, and their lives will change.

For me, the moment that James called me to tell me the great news, it changed the attitude in me. I want to fight. I want to fight for me. I need to fight for me.

I am not sure yet how I am going to fight...but I need to prep for this fight. I need to find my relationship with Christ again. That is my first goal. My next goal is to start doing things to take care of myself. As I get to know more, I will talk about it.

So a moment changes two things. Congratulations James and Jenni and Baby Boy Neal!

I'm Mad as Hell and Will I Take it Anymore?

I am sick and tired.

I weigh too much. I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. My friends are starting to feel like they have to start distancing themselves from me, because I will die soon.

When I wake up I am tired. My work is starting to be effected by the way I weigh. My clothes are not fitting like they are suppose to. I hate going out with friends now...I use to love doing that all the time.

I am being self destructive. I am killing myself. I have given up. In 2002, I sent an email out to everyone saying that enough is enough. I was going to start taking care of myself. Well, that was 5 years ago, and all I am is heavier. I have tried all sorts of diets. The only things I have not done is surgery, and the spiritual course. I will be trying to lose weight through a church program soon. Will, I take the program seriously, or will I fail at that too?

I can be the only one that enact change in my life. I can be the only one to take the first step with exercising...with eating right. I keep saying later...but later has never come.

You know what has suffered in all this. My relationship with Christ. I have not been in communication with Him in forever. I am missing that...I feel like I am so distance from Him. My heart is yearning to be back with Him...but I keep putting everything else in the way.

I feel like the devil has won. My weight has slowly over come me. Can I honestly say to all of you in blog land that I am done. I am going to fight back. I don't know. I want to fight back. But I am so tired. Do I want to die alone, with out friends, with out Christ? My heart is hurting. I am slowly killing myself with every bite I take. I don't stop. I do not know how to stop.

Oh God, how do I stop??

How do I love me again?