I am sick and tired.
I weigh too much. I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. My friends are starting to feel like they have to start distancing themselves from me, because I will die soon.
When I wake up I am tired. My work is starting to be effected by the way I weigh. My clothes are not fitting like they are suppose to. I hate going out with friends now...I use to love doing that all the time.
I am being self destructive. I am killing myself. I have given up. In 2002, I sent an email out to everyone saying that enough is enough. I was going to start taking care of myself. Well, that was 5 years ago, and all I am is heavier. I have tried all sorts of diets. The only things I have not done is surgery, and the spiritual course. I will be trying to lose weight through a church program soon. Will, I take the program seriously, or will I fail at that too?
I can be the only one that enact change in my life. I can be the only one to take the first step with exercising...with eating right. I keep saying later...but later has never come.
You know what has suffered in all this. My relationship with Christ. I have not been in communication with Him in forever. I am missing that...I feel like I am so distance from Him. My heart is yearning to be back with Him...but I keep putting everything else in the way.
I feel like the devil has won. My weight has slowly over come me. Can I honestly say to all of you in blog land that I am done. I am going to fight back. I don't know. I want to fight back. But I am so tired. Do I want to die alone, with out friends, with out Christ? My heart is hurting. I am slowly killing myself with every bite I take. I don't stop. I do not know how to stop.
Oh God, how do I stop??
How do I love me again?
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Episode II: Attack of the Blogs
I am sitting watching the Jags final preseason game, and my thoughts are wondering.
If you faithful readers did not know, Michael Vick earlier this week was arrested on some pretty disgusting charges. I am not going to repeat the charges in this blog...but it has made me think about the heroes that we looked up to as kids...who did you look up to when you a kid?
For me, I looked up to football players. My first favorite playesr was Ed "Too Tall" Jones and Tony Dorsett of the Dallas Cowboys. They were the best at their time (the seventies). Later on in life, I really looked up to Emmitt Smith, and even later than that Danny Wuerffel. Emmitt and Danny were really good role models...up standing people, good Christians...amazing players...the best at what they did...but were they really heroes? I was even going to name my first born male after them, Daniel Emmitt.
Emmitt and Daniel were heroes to me up until 2001. That is when the definition of role model and hero changed for me. That is when I met a 14 year old boy in my brand new youth group named Cameron.
When meeting Cameron for the first time, he seemed like a normal kid. Liked to get in a little bit of trouble, like to surf, and he loved to spend time with his friends, and laugh. But on Sept. 16th, he let us in on his act of heroism. Cameron had cancer...the terminal kind. He was dying, and sadly all the chemo, and all the treatments in the world were not going to help him. Over the course of the next 5 months I saw this brave young man still fight, and fight, and fight. He lived every day to its fulliest. Even on his last days, he wanted people around to just enjoy their time with him. He passed away Feb. 2002. You see Cameron was a true hero...because he lived his life and was kind, and loving in the worst of circumstances...he is what I would want my son to be...that is why when I am blessed to have a son, I will name him after my hero, Cameron.
I never lost a youth group kid before then...and I sometimes I wonder where he would be right now...in college...surfing full time, or just spending time with family and friends.
God, I know I do not say it as much as I use to, but thank you for bring Cameron in my life. Thank you for showing me who and what a hero truly is.
Your Eternal Bud,
Chris
If you faithful readers did not know, Michael Vick earlier this week was arrested on some pretty disgusting charges. I am not going to repeat the charges in this blog...but it has made me think about the heroes that we looked up to as kids...who did you look up to when you a kid?
For me, I looked up to football players. My first favorite playesr was Ed "Too Tall" Jones and Tony Dorsett of the Dallas Cowboys. They were the best at their time (the seventies). Later on in life, I really looked up to Emmitt Smith, and even later than that Danny Wuerffel. Emmitt and Danny were really good role models...up standing people, good Christians...amazing players...the best at what they did...but were they really heroes? I was even going to name my first born male after them, Daniel Emmitt.
Emmitt and Daniel were heroes to me up until 2001. That is when the definition of role model and hero changed for me. That is when I met a 14 year old boy in my brand new youth group named Cameron.
When meeting Cameron for the first time, he seemed like a normal kid. Liked to get in a little bit of trouble, like to surf, and he loved to spend time with his friends, and laugh. But on Sept. 16th, he let us in on his act of heroism. Cameron had cancer...the terminal kind. He was dying, and sadly all the chemo, and all the treatments in the world were not going to help him. Over the course of the next 5 months I saw this brave young man still fight, and fight, and fight. He lived every day to its fulliest. Even on his last days, he wanted people around to just enjoy their time with him. He passed away Feb. 2002. You see Cameron was a true hero...because he lived his life and was kind, and loving in the worst of circumstances...he is what I would want my son to be...that is why when I am blessed to have a son, I will name him after my hero, Cameron.
I never lost a youth group kid before then...and I sometimes I wonder where he would be right now...in college...surfing full time, or just spending time with family and friends.
God, I know I do not say it as much as I use to, but thank you for bring Cameron in my life. Thank you for showing me who and what a hero truly is.
Your Eternal Bud,
Chris
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Episode VI: Return of the Blog
Is Work the New School?
Let me explain. I am getting in to the elevator at work today, and who comes walking by, but three extremely pretty women. And when I say pretty, I mean like I did a double take. The women that I am talking about are co-workers, and people that I know who they are, and they know me...but barely...they know my name...but that is about it...they probably could not remember what dept. I am in to save their life. But I know where they are...ahhh to think of high school.
You see in high school I was not a poperly kid, I know that has to be a shock), but it is true. People liked me, people did not mind me...but I was the un cool kid...standing next to the wall, and quiet as a church mouse. No girls would talk to me...it was a bummer...flash forward to today, and I am back in high school...I am the dorky kid saying, "Hi Ladies...SNORT". and they are saying to me "Hi Chris", and not giving me another look...sigh...if I got out of the elevator, and a big mean kid gave me a wedgie walking to my car, it would be OPHS all over again. Thankful that did not happen. I left for lunch, undies in place, and went on my business.
It is funny how little events, take you back to a time in your life where you felt the most ackward, the worst...sometimes I smell things, or hears something that takes me back to a far away time...I am sure that all of you can appreciate that. It is strange to me to think about times that were so far away...but my memories are usually pretty good...and I go back at a moment notice at time.
Well, that is my thoughts for right now...but I will say that I am happy to be where I am right now...I love my friends...I love that I am not the dorky kid anymore. Hey, anyone want to go buy comic books?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
For those who are interested, I survived Jacob's and my nephew's B-Day parties...still crazy...but lucky toys kept them from keeping their eyes on me...no Lord of the Flies!
If I feel like it, i will talk about it more at another time...until then, I am Your Eternal Bud!
Let me explain. I am getting in to the elevator at work today, and who comes walking by, but three extremely pretty women. And when I say pretty, I mean like I did a double take. The women that I am talking about are co-workers, and people that I know who they are, and they know me...but barely...they know my name...but that is about it...they probably could not remember what dept. I am in to save their life. But I know where they are...ahhh to think of high school.
You see in high school I was not a poperly kid, I know that has to be a shock), but it is true. People liked me, people did not mind me...but I was the un cool kid...standing next to the wall, and quiet as a church mouse. No girls would talk to me...it was a bummer...flash forward to today, and I am back in high school...I am the dorky kid saying, "Hi Ladies...SNORT". and they are saying to me "Hi Chris", and not giving me another look...sigh...if I got out of the elevator, and a big mean kid gave me a wedgie walking to my car, it would be OPHS all over again. Thankful that did not happen. I left for lunch, undies in place, and went on my business.
It is funny how little events, take you back to a time in your life where you felt the most ackward, the worst...sometimes I smell things, or hears something that takes me back to a far away time...I am sure that all of you can appreciate that. It is strange to me to think about times that were so far away...but my memories are usually pretty good...and I go back at a moment notice at time.
Well, that is my thoughts for right now...but I will say that I am happy to be where I am right now...I love my friends...I love that I am not the dorky kid anymore. Hey, anyone want to go buy comic books?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
For those who are interested, I survived Jacob's and my nephew's B-Day parties...still crazy...but lucky toys kept them from keeping their eyes on me...no Lord of the Flies!
If I feel like it, i will talk about it more at another time...until then, I am Your Eternal Bud!
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Episode V: The Blog Strikes Back
This post goes out to a little buddy of mine. This little kid has gone through so much. He has had a pretty tough life, because he continually gets sick. He is similar to me when I was a kid.
You see when I was a kid, I was sick literally all the time. The amount of sick time my Mom took on me was amazing. Thinking back on it, I am surpirsed she was able to keep a job because of me. But she did...and here I am. I appreciate the sacrafices my mom did for me all those years ago. It did leave me with a damaged ear...but I have another one!
But let's get back to this beautiful kid...I mean he makes my illnesses as a kid look like nothing. He just keeps fighting it though. Smiles, loves for his mom, hugs for his dad...through the whole thing the kid may have a high fever, but he is still the life of a party, and making others smile, and love being around him. He truly is a great kid...I am proud to know him...proud to call him my Godson...
__________________________________________________________________
Now for my readers out there...Hi Christie! The birthday was CRAZY as most one year old parties are. I of course forgot about the party being BYOK (Bring Your Own Kid)...so there was about 3,000 little kids at the party...we are talking about Lord of the Flies...it was crazy...any parent thought that they were in charge was dilusional...it was madness...the kids took me hostage...it was only after I offer them Barbies and Hot Wheels that I was allowed to go free...
I ran out of the house crying like a baby...wait maybe I did belong there...
___________________________________________________________________
Keep the comments coming everyone...I love to see them...thanks for taking the time to read my little piece of the internet.
Your Eternal Bud,
Chris
You see when I was a kid, I was sick literally all the time. The amount of sick time my Mom took on me was amazing. Thinking back on it, I am surpirsed she was able to keep a job because of me. But she did...and here I am. I appreciate the sacrafices my mom did for me all those years ago. It did leave me with a damaged ear...but I have another one!
But let's get back to this beautiful kid...I mean he makes my illnesses as a kid look like nothing. He just keeps fighting it though. Smiles, loves for his mom, hugs for his dad...through the whole thing the kid may have a high fever, but he is still the life of a party, and making others smile, and love being around him. He truly is a great kid...I am proud to know him...proud to call him my Godson...
__________________________________________________________________
Now for my readers out there...Hi Christie! The birthday was CRAZY as most one year old parties are. I of course forgot about the party being BYOK (Bring Your Own Kid)...so there was about 3,000 little kids at the party...we are talking about Lord of the Flies...it was crazy...any parent thought that they were in charge was dilusional...it was madness...the kids took me hostage...it was only after I offer them Barbies and Hot Wheels that I was allowed to go free...
I ran out of the house crying like a baby...wait maybe I did belong there...
___________________________________________________________________
Keep the comments coming everyone...I love to see them...thanks for taking the time to read my little piece of the internet.
Your Eternal Bud,
Chris
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Episode IV: A New Blog
I have been a bad blogger as of late my friends. June truly got the best of me. I did not have a chance to truly sit down at the keyboard, and put down thoughts…and a lot has gone on in my life. So I will do some reviews and some catching up here. And I will do my best to be a better blogger in the future…Scouts Honor! I do want to say thank you for everyone that is making comments…keep them up! It is SO good to hear from Karisse, Lani, and Kim…that makes me happy! And thanks to my blog Moms Laura and Lauren for keeping me to task with the writing.
Movies I Have Seen: There has been a few actually…in the months of June and July, I have seen “Evan Almighty”, “License to Wed”, “Ocean’s 13”, “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix”, and “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer”. I enjoyed all of them thoroughly. “Ocean’s 13” and “Harry” being my favorites, and “License to Wed” my least favorite, but that is not saying I did not enjoy it “License” in the least. It was actually a great fun laugh fest. I left with a smile on my face, and that is all one can say eh?
Books I Have Read: I have finished John Eldridge’s “Epic”, Harry Potter and the Prisioner of Azkaban.
Music I am Listening To: Brad Paisley “Fifth Gear”, and I am relistening to Barlow Girls first album…quite excellent!
Work at the BCBS is going well…I like my co-workers very much. They are good people. I just keep wondering if there is something more out there. I want to be happier. But that is for more thought.
My nephew turns 2 next week, so we had his 2nd b-day party last weekend. It was a good party…and it is fun to have my brother in law’s family with my family. But it is parties like last week’s that remind me how white my family is. If you want me to talk more about that…make comments, and I will tell you more :)
So soon I will be back with the sequel to this blog…so stay tuned!
Love and prayers to you all!
Your Eternal Bud,
Chris
Movies I Have Seen: There has been a few actually…in the months of June and July, I have seen “Evan Almighty”, “License to Wed”, “Ocean’s 13”, “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix”, and “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer”. I enjoyed all of them thoroughly. “Ocean’s 13” and “Harry” being my favorites, and “License to Wed” my least favorite, but that is not saying I did not enjoy it “License” in the least. It was actually a great fun laugh fest. I left with a smile on my face, and that is all one can say eh?
Books I Have Read: I have finished John Eldridge’s “Epic”, Harry Potter and the Prisioner of Azkaban.
Music I am Listening To: Brad Paisley “Fifth Gear”, and I am relistening to Barlow Girls first album…quite excellent!
Work at the BCBS is going well…I like my co-workers very much. They are good people. I just keep wondering if there is something more out there. I want to be happier. But that is for more thought.
My nephew turns 2 next week, so we had his 2nd b-day party last weekend. It was a good party…and it is fun to have my brother in law’s family with my family. But it is parties like last week’s that remind me how white my family is. If you want me to talk more about that…make comments, and I will tell you more :)
So soon I will be back with the sequel to this blog…so stay tuned!
Love and prayers to you all!
Your Eternal Bud,
Chris
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Just an Average Wednesday
It seemed like an average Wednesday when I woke up this morning. I got up an hour before I had to. No alarm or anything. That part did kind of stink. But what can I do…so I woke up and started the day.
Had breakfast, and went to work. Work for the first part was in another building…it was a boring 2 and a half hour meeting. Sigh…I had no input in the meeting. And I am sure that the people in the meeting are all nice enough…but it was BORING! So got done with that, and I went to fulfill a promise to a friend. I had been promising my friend Dawn that I would come and see her, but she has been in a different building than the one I work in ever since I got my promotion…So I happily went to see her. She was not feeling well, so not really up for a visit…but she still faked like she was happy to see me. She got back from England a few weeks ago, and brought me back a gift! Can you believe someone remembered all the way over in England on their vacation? Well see did…and all of a sudden and average day became very un-average. So I was very happy to receive my Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (British version) and Westminster Abby book mark! It was fantastic.
So after that lovely time, I had another lovely time having lunch with two dear friends, Amanda and Jennifer. It was nice to have lunch with them, since both of them have kids now, and it is hard for all of us to get together. So again…not average.
So here is where the story gets average. Or does it? I am sitting at my desk later in the day (it is 5:15 in the afternoon), and I am thinking of going home. When all of a sudden, a manager of another area, and a friend, Lisa comes up to me and asks what I was doing tonight. Well it was not a date proposal, because Lisa is married, and has beautiful children. But Lisa has a free ticket to see a sneak preview of the movie, License to Wed. Robin Williams, and Mandy Moore…I accepted the ticket, and called my pal Eric to come with me. Now Eric has a family, and needed to see if the Wife would be Ok with this. LaLa was OK with it, and now the stage is set. I met up with Eric, and he and I went to the movies. The movie was pretty solid…a good date movie (if anyone wants to know)…but I laughed, and had a blast with my friend. This night is turning pretty good.
Then, I get home, and turn on my TV…and what is on the screen, but a tribute to Paul Simon. I love Paul Simon’s music! My parents use to play Simon and Garfunkel music for me and my sister on Friday nights. “Still Crazy After all These Years”, “Sound of Silence”, “The Boxer”, “Mrs. Robinson”, “Cecilia”, and my favorite song of all from them, “America”. And then there is “Call Me Al”, “ Graceland”, and “Rhythm of the Saints”. So I sat back, and enjoyed all of it. It was amazing all the stars that came out to sing Paul Simon’s songs. I was just in awe!
So here I am at the keyboard typing away, about to end this Wednesday that was definitely not average. It was Legend (wait for it) dary!
Your Eternal Bud! Chris
Had breakfast, and went to work. Work for the first part was in another building…it was a boring 2 and a half hour meeting. Sigh…I had no input in the meeting. And I am sure that the people in the meeting are all nice enough…but it was BORING! So got done with that, and I went to fulfill a promise to a friend. I had been promising my friend Dawn that I would come and see her, but she has been in a different building than the one I work in ever since I got my promotion…So I happily went to see her. She was not feeling well, so not really up for a visit…but she still faked like she was happy to see me. She got back from England a few weeks ago, and brought me back a gift! Can you believe someone remembered all the way over in England on their vacation? Well see did…and all of a sudden and average day became very un-average. So I was very happy to receive my Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (British version) and Westminster Abby book mark! It was fantastic.
So after that lovely time, I had another lovely time having lunch with two dear friends, Amanda and Jennifer. It was nice to have lunch with them, since both of them have kids now, and it is hard for all of us to get together. So again…not average.
So here is where the story gets average. Or does it? I am sitting at my desk later in the day (it is 5:15 in the afternoon), and I am thinking of going home. When all of a sudden, a manager of another area, and a friend, Lisa comes up to me and asks what I was doing tonight. Well it was not a date proposal, because Lisa is married, and has beautiful children. But Lisa has a free ticket to see a sneak preview of the movie, License to Wed. Robin Williams, and Mandy Moore…I accepted the ticket, and called my pal Eric to come with me. Now Eric has a family, and needed to see if the Wife would be Ok with this. LaLa was OK with it, and now the stage is set. I met up with Eric, and he and I went to the movies. The movie was pretty solid…a good date movie (if anyone wants to know)…but I laughed, and had a blast with my friend. This night is turning pretty good.
Then, I get home, and turn on my TV…and what is on the screen, but a tribute to Paul Simon. I love Paul Simon’s music! My parents use to play Simon and Garfunkel music for me and my sister on Friday nights. “Still Crazy After all These Years”, “Sound of Silence”, “The Boxer”, “Mrs. Robinson”, “Cecilia”, and my favorite song of all from them, “America”. And then there is “Call Me Al”, “ Graceland”, and “Rhythm of the Saints”. So I sat back, and enjoyed all of it. It was amazing all the stars that came out to sing Paul Simon’s songs. I was just in awe!
So here I am at the keyboard typing away, about to end this Wednesday that was definitely not average. It was Legend (wait for it) dary!
Your Eternal Bud! Chris
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