I am sick and tired.
I weigh too much. I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. My friends are starting to feel like they have to start distancing themselves from me, because I will die soon.
When I wake up I am tired. My work is starting to be effected by the way I weigh. My clothes are not fitting like they are suppose to. I hate going out with friends now...I use to love doing that all the time.
I am being self destructive. I am killing myself. I have given up. In 2002, I sent an email out to everyone saying that enough is enough. I was going to start taking care of myself. Well, that was 5 years ago, and all I am is heavier. I have tried all sorts of diets. The only things I have not done is surgery, and the spiritual course. I will be trying to lose weight through a church program soon. Will, I take the program seriously, or will I fail at that too?
I can be the only one that enact change in my life. I can be the only one to take the first step with exercising...with eating right. I keep saying later...but later has never come.
You know what has suffered in all this. My relationship with Christ. I have not been in communication with Him in forever. I am missing that...I feel like I am so distance from Him. My heart is yearning to be back with Him...but I keep putting everything else in the way.
I feel like the devil has won. My weight has slowly over come me. Can I honestly say to all of you in blog land that I am done. I am going to fight back. I don't know. I want to fight back. But I am so tired. Do I want to die alone, with out friends, with out Christ? My heart is hurting. I am slowly killing myself with every bite I take. I don't stop. I do not know how to stop.
Oh God, how do I stop??
How do I love me again?
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